THE DREAM TEAM OF METAL

This article is named "The Dream Team of Metal". In this entry, I will attempt to dream up the most pissed off metal band in history by choosing the best musician in each of the following categories; Singer, Lead Guitar, Rythym Guitar, Bass, and Drums. This dream band will have five members, if you pussies will notice we do not have a DJ, MC, a keyboardist or any of that other faggot shit. Well, let's get to it. I imagine that there will be some disagreement on this list but as you should know by now, you are incorrect and I am infallible. This band would be known as The Vikings and believe me when other bands heard them, they would know that their guts and brains would be all over the floor soon.

DRUMS:

This may have been the easiest choice of the five. Dave Lombardo from Slayer is the best metal drummer ever, period. There can be no argument on this one. His ridiculous pace changes and constant ticking of the high hat is incredible and unique. Lombardo is the pulse of Slayer and without him they are not the same band. Sometimes it seems as if Dave is just pounding away in ways that no one else can, just to prove he can. He is a bit of a show off and that is not a bad thing. The most amazing thing about Mr. Lombardo is the combination of speed and precision. Many drummers can play fast but often times when they do it sounds muddled and not crisp. Lombardo is God of the drums and any dream metal band would have Dave Lombardo of Slayer as its drummer.

Honorable Mention: In doing this, I am trying to include other gifted musicians that may not be the best of all time. My honorable mention in this category is Brann Dailor from the band Mastodon. You may not have heard much from these guys yet but you will. I have seen these guys live recently and let me tell you, they are great. They are going to be the new standard bearers of metal for this decade.

BASS:

The pre-eminent metal bassist is the late Cliff Burton of Metallica. If you are unsure of this entry go listen to the instrumental Orion off of Master of Puppets. He tragically died in 1987 in an accident. Metallica has never been the same since his death. And Justice For All is a great album but his replacement Jason Newstead's bass was seemingly muted for the entire album. Cliff Burton was also an important creative force in the band and in James Hetfield's own words "knew what harmony meant, something we had'nt heard of". After his death Metallica got more systematic with songs and while they were still great they did not have the musical quality of the Burton-era Metallica. Thank you Cliff for your contribution to the greatest rock album in history, Master Of Puppets and Rest In Peace!!

Honorable Mention: Steve Harris from Iron Maiden is my honorable mention for bass. Of course, If I were to create this band, he would be playing since our friend Mr. Burton has moved on. At a time when bass was mostly an afterthought, Steve's driving bass is clearly audible in all of Iron Maiden's songs and critically important to the overall feel of the music. The trademark Iron Maiden sound, what I call the galloping sound, is driven by Steve Harris. He was also a primary writer of the music writing classics such as Aces High, The Trooper, Number of the Beast and Run to the Hills. It was very difficult for me not to give him the number one spot but I do not want the list to dominated by one band. More Iron Maiden Later..........

RYTHYM GUITAR:

Instead of using a primary rythym guitarist such as James Hetfield or Jeff Hanneman, I decided to go with two lead guitarists. This is enables The Vikings to wail with some serious dueling leads and God knows that is a good thing. So my rythym guitarist is going to be John Petrucci from Dream Theater. I know, I know, they are a progressive metal band but after listening to a handful of their stuff, I can say that he is the best guitar player alive. His solos and riffs are compeletly out of control and some of the sounds that come out of his axe are just plain stupid. I know that surrounded by the right type of men, he would not be playing such progressive stuff and he would play more metal style so that is why I am giving him a shot in my band.

LEAD GUITAR:

RANDY FUCKING RHOADS!! This guy is the greatest metal lead ever. Of course, we do not have a huge body of work to listen to with this guy since he died in his mid 20s. I know that with Lombardo slamming away on the skins and Burton grinding on the bass and Rhoads and Petrucci wailing on the guitar, no band could even hope to compete. Some of Randy's best work was with Ozzy (Blizzard of Ozz era, Crazy Train, etc...). He was great and I think I can say that there should not be too much disagreement with this selection. I am sure that my faggot friend Shatner will insist that Kirk Hammett (Metallica) be the lead but he is my honorable mention and since Rhoads is dead, if I actually put this band together he would be the man.

Honorable Mention: Kirk Hammett, the lead guitarist of Metallica. The only reason I did not include him is that he is sort of small and feminine and also he is not a song writer. I like my band mates to be able to write and he has done very little. But other than that, he is great. His best work is long behind him now ending with ....And Justice for All in 1989. The solo on One is one of the great metal solos in history. His technical skill is unreal and his speed is also outstanding. He is a close third place.

Now what you have all been waiting for, who the fuck would be the singer for this band. After all, it would take a bad ass to sing for a band who could create more noise than a fucking jumbo jet. I can think of three men who could sing for this band. Two of them do not fall into the metal realm, Freddie Mercury and Geoff Tate. This guys, to me, are the best singers in rock history but I think the sheer volume of noise of this band would scare the leather pants off of them. They are a bit too weak to deal with the type of manliness that The Vikings could create. So here we go...........................

SINGER:

MY FAVORITE METAL SINGER EVER...........................BRUCE DICKINSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! That's right the only guy who could stay with these guys would be the lead singer of the legendary band Iron Maiden. As far as I am concerned, there is no competing with this guy. The only guy who comes to mind is Rob Halford, but he is an Ass Pirate so I cannot include him, but he is fucking great also. If you are not familiar with Bruce Dickinson then first of all you are not a metal fan and you are a fucking pussy. One of the great things about Dickinson is his vocal range and his propensity to scream all the time, The Vikings need some of that. One thing I really like about Bruce is that he is arrogant shit talker. When asked by a reporter why Iron Maiden is not popular in US now, he came back with "Americans are fat and lazy and only buy and listen to what other people tell them to, they have no taste of their own" I could not agree more. Fuck yeah Bruce!!

This band would undoubtedly be the best band in history. Of course to a pussy like you, it would hurt your ears and your mommy would tell you that it is too loud and fast. Your girlfriend would kick you out and to you being without a girlfriend is like being without your baba. The Vikings, THE BEST METAL BAND IN HISTORY!! Suggestion, be a man, and go listen to these guys, your life will be better for it, I know mine is.

-arthur@arthurshall.com

Shatner's Retort

Of course I have something to say about all of this. I’m not trying to get the last word in here, because Arthur’s compelling piece overwhelms anything I could write here today. Still, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of John Petrucci that doesn’t look totally gay?

Seriously, and most importantly… as much as I love Randy Rhodes, (and I’m aware of what a great guitarist everyone says he is) the man made two fucking albums with Ozzy and then crashed his plane into the tour bus. So fucking what!? Those are great albums, but you have to judge these things on a man’s body of work. On Metallica’s first five albums Kirk Hammett recorded the most pissed off lead guitar in the history of heavy metal…period! I don’t see how anyone can debate this. The solos on Ride the Lightning and Puppets are absolutely insane, and although I’m sure Randy Rhodes and Petrucci could play them, they didn’t write and record them in the mid 1980’s now did they? They also didn’t quite manage to reinvent metal in the same way Metallica did either. If this were some test of virtuosity we’d have Steve Vai or some sissy like that on this list. I know, Arthur’s trying to be fair, but as we all know the perfect metal band is just 1986 era Metallica, sans Lars and with the addition of Dave Lombardo on drums. Simple.

ArthursHallShat@gmail.com