TANOREXIA - THE NEW FEMALE EPIDEMIC

Believe it or not, this is a picture of Lindsey Lohan. A few months ago she was insanely hot, and now only the most depraved sicko would crank one out ot her. Tanorexia is a sad, sad disease. Seriously, pictures like these are more depressing than the ones of African orphans who are too weak to swat away flies.

This article is aptly named "The New Female Epidemic". I am sure you are asking, “what horrible disease does Arthur speak of?” Well, the disease is known as Tanorexia. This disease is characterized by orange, wrinkly skin and a physique that any survivor from Auschwitz would recognize. The word Tanorexia is a combination of the root words tan and anorexia. For some reason, this combination is everywhere, the symptoms and causes for this disease must be unearthed and discovered. Tanorexia tends to run wild in suburban environments and is typically found in women from the ages of 18-30. Very recently, this disease has gained a foothold in suburban high schools. Need help identifying these sickly creatures? Look for orange skin and a small body usually obscured by a baggy sweatshirt in any temperature. You may ask "Why do these crazy bitches wear sweatshirts in the summer?” I will tell you. Their metabolisms have been destroyed by years of not eating and just like your pet parakeet that you had when you were younger, they have no resistance to the outside world. Their avian-like metabolic rates cause them not to be hungry and so they do not eat and the cycle only worsens.

Now, I know that many of you people reading this may be dating one of these freaks or even worse you are one of these sick, disgusting women. One of the things that makes these women so annoying is their perception that they attractive. This perception is reinforced by chodes (eager-to-please frat boy types who are always looking for something wet to stick their dicks in) everywhere who will chase these women and try to fuck them, which is of course an easy feat. The birdlike tanorexic has diminished reasoning abilities, and a depressed self esteem. The common chode is often satisfied with the conquest, then realize that they have either fractured this human ostrich's pelvis or in some cases suffer severe contusions in the hip area. This is caused by the knife-like contours of tanorexic's hips. I warn all of you men, do not go down this road. In some cases, they get so severe that they will not swallow for fear of increased calorie intake!!! And we all know how offensive this is!!

Another characteristic of this sub-species is multi-color plumage and un-Godly amounts of makeup. I suspect the makeup is to cover up the lesions that cover their faces. Malnutrition has this effect and the only real difference between a tanorexic and a cranker (i.e. Methhead) is socio-economic class. Instead of cooking up a cacophony of household chemicals and smoking it, these sluts take handfuls of diet pills and smoke cigarettes incessantly. The hair is another story. I have not pinpointed the reason for these women to always have multi-colored hair. I suspect it is some sort of mating call similar to a peacock. I believe that this hairstyle warns men with brains to stay away. This hairstyle conversely lures the lower class of men in. This striped hair must signify that "Yes, I am whore, you can fuck me anytime you want". Or perhaps the hair is simply one more insane grasp for attention. Whatever the reasoning, it does often seem to work. Does it work because chodes find the highlighted hair, the bony arms, and the baggy eyes attractive, or is it because these symbols betray them as the easy prey that they are? When I go out (I am not a complete nerd, ha, ha) I see these women sipping on some mixed drink and getting ready to be defiled at the hands of any man daring enough to tread nearby.

What are the causes of tanorexia?? I am still researching the exact cause of this crippling epidemic, but I have some initial findings to share with you. The first cause is an utter lack of education. I am not talking about girls who get pregnant and drop out of high school, these chicks usually graduate from HS and move on to the community college circuit. While these women go to moderate levels of school, they tend to be very average and rarely make it to the university. I suspect at some point they were somewhat intelligent but the years of caloric deprivation and constant overheating due to close-range UV rays have destroyed any cognitive ability once present. These women are everywhere, they serve you coffee (most of you are the type of fools that buy coffee for three dollars!), they work in tanning salons all over the nation hoping to receive some sort of second hand UV rays, and they are the administrative assistants, the dental assistants and the other people who do jobs that are regarded as average all over this great nation. Another cause is similar to the causes for all other female afflictions. As you should know by now, the female species is ravaged by shockingly low self-esteem. It seems that a woman with self-esteem is an oxymoron, similar to a french (not capitalized on purpose, france is not a nation but a collection of weak-minded pussies) soldier. This lack of self-identity leads women to look at printed toilet paper disguised as female magazines; Cosmo, etc. In these magazines, women are bombarded by imagery of anorexic models with dark skin and multi-colored hair and they do their best to emulate these worthless, emaciated bitches. They fail of course, which leads to a worsening of the disease. The only thing worse than a beautiful woman who is too skinny and too tan, is an ugly or average girl with the same affliction.

What is the treatment for this disease, Arthur? I hear this question a lot and I have a couple of ideas. One is to ignore these whores and scoff at them. Well, this may not a be a solution but you should do it anyway because it is fun. Another possible fix is to replace the tanning accelerators that they use with SPF 1,000,000 sun block. They are not smart enough to figure this tactic out and they will only go tanning more and eventually they will die a horrible death due to a malignant melanoma. I am afraid that desperate times call for desperate measures. Of course, these women are not fertile due to a lack of life bringing calories so it seems as if their genetic information will not be spread and this is a good thing. Remember when you see one of these bird-like women walking around, avoid them, scoff at them and tell them that they are ugly and disgusting. With your help we can eliminate this affliction and rid the world of tanorexia forever!!

-arthur@arthurshall.com