SHAQUILLE O'NEAL: REAL LIFE SUPERHERO
The Real Story Behind Shaq, "The Enforcer of Justice"

This article is titled “Shaquille O'Neal: Real Life Superhero”. This article may seem out of place for a number of reasons. Number one, I do not tend to write articles on the sports world even though it is one of my primary interests and I do plan on adding some occasional sports commentary since I am full of enlightening ideas about this subject. Also, on the surface Shaq does not fit the profile of men who grace this site. Well I am here to tell you that he does for many reasons……….if you don't believe me….READ ON!!

Shaq is the closest thing to a fictional superhero this side of Arnold. The first thing that makes him a superhero is his un-Godly size. He is 7'1 and he weighs around 360 lbs!! Are you fucking kidding me?? That is reason enough to anoint him as one of the greatest men in the world but there are many reasons he is “super” besides his freakish proportions. In the vast history of our planet there have been bigger men, but none have had the otherworldly combination of size and athleticism. Most men that are his size tend to be unathletic or just plain uncoordinated. On the flip side, men of his height are typically Skeletor thin . This combination of traits has helped him become, arguably, the most dominant player in NBA history. He has won three NBA titles and played for two more. No single man can stop him and most opponents rely on hacking him to slow him down. Now we all know that all superheroes have a weakness. Superman had Kryptonite and Shaq's weakness is his free throw shooting. He is an atrocious free throw shooter; it is comical to watch him attempt to make these supposedly easy shots. One reason he has so much trouble is that his hands are so freakishly big that the basketball appears to be grapefruit size and that would make it more difficult to shoot effectively. If you doubt me, grab a mini basketball and try to shoot it, you will be even more pathetic than you already are.

Shaq is a superhero for yet another reason. He has a mortal enemy. All superheroes have to have someone who challenges them and nearly defeats him. Kobe Bryant is the Joker to Shaq's Batman. Bryant has all the traits of a true antihero. Incredible natural ability, superior intelligence, better looks, and a devious nature that leads to his demise. It is no secret that these two mega-talents hated each other while having their superpowers combined with the LA Lakers and even winning three NBA titles was not good enough for either of these guys. Both wanted to be “The Man” and the evil Kobe won the internal power struggle within the Laker organization and Shaq was exiled (traded) to Miami. Of course, when you mess with all that is good you tempt fate. Not long after his victorious battle with SuperShaq, he was indicted for having sex with a psychotic young girl in Colorado. In the interview, he said “Shaq just pays the women to shut up, how much do I need to pay?”. Kobe really personifies all that is evil and as you know, evil never wins when battling a superhero. In a natural ending to this unfortunate struggle, Shaq lead his team deep into the playoffs while Kobe toiled for the worst Laker team in two decades. Once again, SuperShaq vanquishes all!!

There are other reasons why Shaq is a modern day superhero. He is obsessed with law enforcement and that has led to become a real US deputy Marshall. You may imagine it would be difficult for him to pose undercover as a Marshall and you would be correct. What he does is assist in the pursuit of cyber sex criminals who solicit young women into meeting up and having sex. He poses as one of these girls and then he finds out where they are and the other Marshals go to bust him. Now that is awesome!! I would love to see this monstrous man busting some cranked out little pussy who hits on 14 year olds. I can just see it, big ass Shaq getting out of the car and little man with infantile sized penis tucked between his legs. Good job Shaq, shit maybe he should hang outside NBA arenas and wait for his hated enemy, Kobe Bryant, to fuck some 17 year old and bust him too. That would be great!!

A superhero must also be virtuous. Shaq fits this bill also. He is well known for his foundations and charitable giving. He was named 2005 Most Caring Athlete along with NFL player Warrick Dunn. Shaq's foundation is called the Real Model Foundation, a take off of “role” model. He has problem with that name because he says that a “role” is something that you are playing, he is the real McCoy. Shaq is trying to be the first “Santa” to give away 1 million toys this Christmas. He actually rolls around in toy-filled semi trucks and throws out toys to the kids in the neighborhood, often without TV cameras anywhere near him. Being a poser who will only do things for photo opps is something that an anti-hero like Kobe would do, doing it when no one is looking is real heroism.

His efforts go far beyond toys. He's pledged $1 million to Boys & Girls Clubs of America to support tech-learning centers. "The kids from the places where I grew up can't afford laptops," SuperShaq says. "When they apply for a job, they'll be far behind." Wow, this guy is awesome!!

And he's dead serious about committing to a career in public safety. O'Neal confides that in three or four years, he'll switch to a law-enforcement uniform for good. I would almost be willing to do something illegal just have the SuperShaq arrest me!! O'Neal has completed 2,500 training hours with law agencies in California and volunteered on countless ride-alongs and public-awareness efforts for agencies coast-to-coast.

O'Neal also made news this year for earning a master's degree after getting his undergraduate degree in 2000. "It took three years," he says. "When I was playing for the Lakers, I went to the classroom. When I went to Miami, I did the rest online. I'm not finished. I'm going to work on a doctorate in criminology. I'll retire and then -- bam! -- I'll be working for the FBI, ATF or the local police chief. Whoever wants me?"

You see the SuperShaq (as he will be known from here forward on Arthur's Hall) is a real hero. He is so human and fallible and yet so great. He is everything that is right with sports and America as a whole. Thanks to Shaq for all the great things that you are doing and keep it up man. You are one of the only athletes that make me feel that you are truly thankful for the life you have been blessed with. Thanks SuperShaq!!

-arthur@arthurshall.com