OZZFEST REVIEW

Myself and Shatner arrived at Ozzfest at 10:30 am, ready to rock and kick some ass. Immediately we were greeted with the news that we could not bring in sealed bottles of water. What is more ridiculous than an all day concert in August that does not allow concert-goers to bring sealed bottled water in?? Shit, if I were a liberal I would probably think that there could be some liability there if I were to pass out due to dehydration, but since I am not, I instead got butt-raped paying $2.75 for a cup of water and some ice, what a fucking joke!! What was worse was the concert was at a second-rate Indian tribe-owned amphitheater while just 150 miles to the east the greatest amphitheater in the world (I am not kidding, check it out) sits empty. This is because of the fucks at Clear Channel that have hijacked our local concert scene!! I HATE CLEAR CHANNEL!! Anyway, I got over all of that and decided that it was time to kick some ass and listen to some good (in some cases, anyway) heavy metal. Shatner and I immediately went to the second stage and were sickened by the first band that we saw.

The first act we were able to catch was Bury Your Dead. These jokers were fucking terrible. I have this theory about heavy metal bands and this show only served to assure me that I am correct. I am of the belief that if you are a metal band you should have long hair and look somewhat pissed off. These faggots looked like frat boy chodes. Oh yeah, and their music was terrifically average and boring, lots of noise complete with unintelligible grunting. To put it bluntly, they seemed like a garage band with no clue how to play music. As I was sitting there listening to this garbage I got the strong urge to go up on stage and knock the little frat boy wanna-be out. Pussy ass faggots!!

Sickened by the utter waste of space that was Bury Your Dead, Shatner and I decided to go get raped again and get some food. Did I mention that there was no re-entry at this concert?? Strike two, assholes!! At this point, we were taken aback by the hordes of utter white trash that pervaded the concert. This is when we went into people watching mode. This may have been the most disturbing and most entertaining part of the entire day. My first impression was "Where the hell do these people come from?" followed by "That person's dad should have pulled out!" I have never in my life seen such a collection of slovenly, fat, uneducated, inbred white trash in my life. In something that seems to be a pre-requisite, the fat fucks were scantily clad and their adipose tissue was just flopping all over the place for everyone to see. The other group that was seemingly everywhere was the crankers. You know who they are; the methamphetamine addicted walking skeletons that look like their next breath will be their last. I could smell the combination of Gunk engine cleaner, sweat, battery acid and rotting teeth and flesh just dripping off of these bastards. I wish that we could put something into the household chemicals used to cook this shit that would kill these fucks instantly upon snorting this garbage.

Now that I have described the scene, I will go back to the reason that we were there, the music. There were a couple of bands that played after the fucks that we first saw. They were better but nothing special whatsoever; they were Trivium, Gizmachi, and Soilwork. These bands were completely non-descript but at the very least they looked somewhat pissed off on stage. I came away with nothing to say about these bands. They were not terrible, not good, just average metal bands who will never become anything special due to an utter lack of originality, musicality and charisma. I did have a good time watching this section of the show because it was loud, aggressive heavy metal, just the way I like it. Enough said.

I am not following the order of the bands, but this is my site and I will do things the way that I want to. The next band was Killswitch Engage. These guys were quite a bit better than I thought they would be. They are a pretty decent metal band, not heavy enough for my taste but nonetheless I could see why people seem to like them a bit. The lead singer is pretty solid; he has decent stage presence and was insistent that the crowd get into the show which is a good sign for a frontman. The music, while uninspiring, sounded like it had a purpose and a direction, something that most of the prior bands lacked. They even gave a shout out to Mastodon, for rocking, which gives them points in my book. Again though, I do not have a lot to say about these guys. They are quite popular (more than they should be, I believe) but at least people are listening to them and not some urban bullshit that is played endlessly on Top 40 radio.

The biggest disappointment of the show was Rob Zombie. I know, I know, you think he is cool but I am here to tell you that he is not. His music, while crisp and professional sounding for a stage show, is very bland and repetitive. I could not help but think I was listening to a rock radio station when he was on stage. Nothing added, nothing changed, just playing the same old crap he has been peddling for the better part of decade. The funny thing is, I’ve always liked Rob Zombie. He seems like a cool dude who is a good visual artist, and he loves other cool shit like Elvis, and grade B Horror movies. It’s just too bad his music sucks. Not even the pornographic backdrop to his stage show could make him entertaining for more than five or ten minutes. He clearly has moved on from music as his primary passion and gone into directing horror movies and the like. While this is not a bad thing, he stole the second stage from the band that should have been headlining the second stage at the very least.

FUCKING MASTODON!!! There was no question who the second best band in the entire concert was, it was Mastodon without a doubt. Their set was short, but they mixed it up a little more than the previous time Shatner and I had the opportunity to see them. They played the songs “Mother Puncher” and “March of the Fire Ants” from their first album “Remission”. The opening notes of “March of the Fire Ants got a big reaction from the crowd, so someone must be buying their albums. This is a good sign for the metal industry. If there is anyone out there who could be the next Metallica, Slayer, or Megadeth, it is these guys. Hell, they are already better than Megadeth, and better than most of the stuff Metallica has put out Post 1989.

The crowd was electrified even though I would guess that many had never heard Mastodon before. There were plenty of older Maiden fans in the crowd and they seemed to enjoy the huge sound of Mastodon. During most of the day, the mosh pit was confined to the area right in front of the stage but during Mastodon’s set, mosh pits were spontaneously popping up everywhere. Why is that?? Because these guys rock is why… their music is aggressive, hard, loud, epic and musical all at the same time. I spent most of the set mesmerized by Brann Dailor, the drummer; he is completely out of control. His speed, precision and talent are unmatched by anyone in the modern metal scene. He is quickly approaching the heights set by Dave Lombardo of Slayer. The other three guys are no slouches either. The guitarists are great, they sing much more than most back up singers and most importantly they look like fucking Vikings. They both have red hair and look real pissed when they play. The lead guitarist and main back up singer has one of the most pissed off beards I have ever seen. It does not hurt that the lyrics are laden with Viking references like “Precision of Grungir/Spear of the Norse God Odin/Praise our Pagan father/Founder of Althing”. Those lyrics are from the song “Iceland”. Now that is what I am talking about!! Loud, heavy music about the Icelanders, it does not better than that!

The lead singer is charismatic and crazy looking as well. He yells loudly and makes an incredible metal face. He also likes to hit himself in the head, which is great. He seems to really enjoy himself and as a result, he kicks some serious ass. It was an utter insult that these guys were not playing the main stage. The argument could be made that they were the best band on Ozzfest but I would not make that argument because the greatest heavy metal band in history was is on the tour, IRON MAIDEN!!

Now, it is time for the main stage. The first act on the main stage was In Flames. These guys were alright, nothing too special but they do get extra points in my book for being Swedish. While the Swedes are not as good as the Norwegians, they are a close second. They rocked but overall, I did not take much away from watching them, while they are pretty good, they are nowhere near as good as Mastodon.

The next act was Black Label Society led by frontman Zakk Wylde. It seems that BLS is now the favorite band of white trash and meth-heads now that Pantera is defunct. I was not overly impressed with the band as a whole, but I will say this Zakk Wylde is a bad ass Viking dude. He has long blonde hair, pissed off facial hair and is a big fucking dude. Zakk used to be the lead guitarist for Ozzy and this seems to have made him more popular than he really should be. His band is not bad by any means. He plays a more Southern rock style, a hybrid between Pantera and CCR, I would say. Zakk Wylde also does some crazy stuff of stage, the best of which is spitting beer all over the place. This, of course, is very manly, spitting is great and drinking beer endlessly as Wylde does is also great. The reality is that this band is nothing but a forum for Wylde to be a crazy fucker. They should not have a name; they should be called Zakk Wylde. He is a showman who insists on playing his guitar without any context at all and just generally indulges himself in musical masturbation. Not a bad band and not a bad dude but overrated in my eyes.

Mudvayne was the next band on the stage. They fucking sucked, period. There is nothing I could say that is even somewhat positive. There music sounds like it was written by a three year old. Along with that, I was overwhelmed by how puny, emaciated and gay they looked. They looked like those little runt kids that I used to throw into their lockers in middle school. Only these guys never grew up!! No stage presence, no talking to the crowd, no talent and no fun!! (I did beat some little kids up in the pit for this band, they pissed me enough to want to pound on some puny crankers!)

Next on stage are the kings of metal and one of the two bands at this concert that I came to see, IRON MAIDEN!!!! This was the first time that I’ve had the privilege to see these guys live and although I was very excited to see them, I was not disappointed. First of all, they have six members. That’s right, three lead guitarists and the best bassist in metal history, Steve Harris. I will not comment on the music itself so much, anyone who knows anything knows these guys are great, but I will comment on the stage presence and the band’s ability to play their great songs live. Bruce Dickinson may be a little, tiny dude but he is in astoundingly good shape. He runs around like a madman while singing in his operatic voice, it was a pleasure to watch. He admonished the crowd constantly and did a great job of transforming a somewhat subdued crowd into a frenzy. He spoke a bit and what he said was great. He first of all introduced the band and asked how many people had seen them live before, most of the crowd had not. He seemed annoyed by that and proceeded to say that the reason that most of us had not seen them is because of “piss ant fuckers at MTV” who control the music industry. He also said that “Iron Maiden does not do the corporate cock-sucking that most bands do”. Fuck yeah, Bruce!! I could not have said it better myself. It is a crime that Maiden is not well-known across genres among younger people, you may not like heavy metal but anyone with an ear for music can appreciate the greatness of these guys.

Iron Maiden, despite their age, was, by far, the most energetic band at the concert. They really seemed to be enjoying themselves and to me that is important. For the song “The Trooper” Bruce did a quick costume change and came out in the Red Coat that was used by British soldiers in WWI and a tattered Union Jack. It fit the song perfectly since the entire song is about the British struggle against the Russians. The stage sets for Iron Maiden changed for every song as the backdrop coincided with the album covers of the songs. It was awesome and of course Eddie was there. Eddie is the mascot of the band and he is everywhere on Iron Maiden shirts and album covers. During the song, “Iron Maiden” Eddie came out on stage and messed with the guys in the band and it was good theater. Most bands today take themselves entirely too seriously to have something like Eddie and that is a shame. I could write all day about how great Iron Maiden is but I will just put it this way. IRON MAIDEN is the greatest metal band in the world today and they fucking rock, UP THE IRONS!!!

Next up was the headliners, Black Sabbath. These guys are well past their prime but Tony Iommi, the guitarist is still great. He has the aura of greatness and, as the most influential guitarist in heavy metal history, he should. Ozzy was horribly off key and did not seem to be too enthused with being there, perhaps the cocktail of drugs that he is taking these days should have included some coke. Shatner and I left during the set (Shatner has already seen the reunited Sabbath twice, that freak!) to beat the horrific traffic leaving the concert, we were tired, our ears were ringing and we were ready to go home.

Overall, I would say that the day was good but not as good as I expected. Maybe I should have been drinking but I was not. The venue sucked, a great many of the bands were going through the motions and Iron Maiden and Mastodon did not get enough stage time. I will go back next year if there is another Ozzfest but I will be prepared next year, better get the case of beer ready now!!

-arthur@arthurshall.com