WHY METAL IS KING

The headline of this column is "Why metal is King", and after reading this article I am sure that you will agree. If you don't then take your mouse click your address bar and type in MoveOn.org, listen to Green Day, go fuck yourself, and then do the world a favor and kill yourself. First of all, I have to define metal for you. The definition seems to be slipping as the years go on. Metal is not about women, dating, your parents, relationships, love or any of the other feminine emotions that are permeating music today. You see, the media is trying to feminize you so that you won't miss your tobacco or assault rifles. A zero-tolerance policy towards feminine bullshit like this eliminates most of the excrement that has been produced in the past decade or so from being actual metal. Metal is only about being pissed off, killing, drugs, Satan (or any form of his name, Lucifer etc.) or the best subject, WAR!! You see metal is the only form of music that captures the essence of masculinity. If there is any further debate, this will suffice, if your woman, or your homosexual friend likes it or can even tolerate it, it is not metal. Any questions.

The ultimate metal acts in history are the following pissed off bands or artists (there may be some left off the list, if you don't like it, email me or shut the fuck up). These bands are the standard bearers of being men in music; Black Sabbath (or any Randy Rhodes era Ozzy, i.e. Blizzard of Ozz), Metallica (pre Load of course, if you like that shit, go have a Boca burger), Slayer, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Mercyful Fate, Motorhead, Megadeth, Pantera, Sepultura, and Mastadon. As you can see most of these bands are from the 1980's and my theory behind that is this: because of the manly greatness of our fearless leader Ronald Reagan, men were inspired to manly greatness. It’s as simple as that. The limp-wristed Clinton administration is to blame for our lack of real metal in the 1990s and 2000s. Men were taught that being a bitch was cool and music has suffered for it. By my calculations, (which will do doubt come true) metal will be back in big fucking way soon due to the aggressive and masculine policies of the George the Great.

Of course, there are the grunting death bands like Crytopsy, Cannibal Corpse, etc, but they are not in the same class due to a lack of originality and musicality. This genre of metal is still quite pissed but unfettered anger without direction is like a union worker who actually works. They are cool but sort of weird like your mom's boyfriend who made you play with his tootsie roll. Did I mention that I hate the communist-bred organizations that are disguised as unions?? Another subject for the economic section of the website I suppose. Damn it, my hatred of unions got me off my rant, oh yeah, Metal is King!!

As I was saying before, metal is the only genre of music that captures the true essence of what being a real man or, should I say, a Viking is all about. You see, a Viking does not care about relationships, women, or anything else that can cloud his testosterone-enhanced brain. He only cares about winning, leading, killing, kicking ass, and being a man. True metal is uncompromising, loud, and offensive to the testosterone challenged. If you doubt me (you are an idiot), try this at home, pop in God Hates Us All from Slayer (I know you don't have it, go buy it, and you will have to shave more than once a month for the first time in your pathetic life) and have your woman listen to it. I can personally guarantee that you will be not be getting any that night and she may kick you to the curb for good. This is normal and nothing to worry about, if your chick likes it, get the fuck out of there because she is a sick demented bitch. If you stay, your cock will be leaving via a flush of the toilet after that sick bitch cuts your permanently limp dick off with a butter knife. If you hold these truths to be self-evident that men like war, destruction, killing, death, brutality and general anger, then you will see that not all music is created equal. Metal is King!

-arthur@arthurshall.com