THE 10 MANLIEST MEN OF MODERN TIMES

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#5 G.W. Bush / Ronald Reagan

The fourth manliest man is actually a shared selection. Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush, to me, are one in the same and their strengths as men are quite similar. I will refer to them as The Presidents from here forward. These guys are the greatest presidents in modern history. These guys have no respect for the rest of the world. When they want to bomb the shit out of a third world country, they just do it. Their mantra is "shoot first and ask questions later" and that is a motto that any man should be proud to live by.

Reagan once said that "We will achieve peace through superior firepower" when referring to the pinko-communists in the soon-to-be crumbling Soviet Union. W, prior to the war in Iraq uttered, "You are either with us or against us". This type of clarity is rare amongst modern men, most are conflicted with other people's opinion or their feminized brains telling them to negotiate, and as you should know by now, negotiation is for pussies. Both men were given to mistakes when speaking but a real man doesn't care enough about others to care about making mistakes in grammar and syntax. When compared to contemporaries, Carter and Clinton, who thought that asking the UN to figure out problems was the answer, The Presidents took the Viking route of destroying enemies with no remorse and no repentance. These guys, due to their position, may not have the manly body of work like the other great men in this legendary collection of Viking men, but their absolute power over the world makes them worthy of their selection.

Real men exercise leadership in the face of opposition and no one has done it better than The Presidents. We are now living in an era that takes real men to destroy the gutless enemies of the United States and no one has destroyed enemies of our great nation better than these two great men. Also, as a Viking man myself, I have to say that for no other reason I was pleased the W was re-elected so that I can continue to marvel at his sexy daughter, Barbara. She is fucking hot and I would love to smash her guts with my purple helmeted Viking. Here's to hoping that W drops a nuke on Damascus and Tehran and that the legacy of these two Viking presidents lives on forever. God Bless America!!!

#4 Bill Romanowski

A true madman is next in our vaunted list of manly ass dudes. Bill Romanowski! The former NFL linebacker who must be one of the toughest guys in NFL history as evidenced by his 15-year streak of not missing a game, a feat that is incomprehensible considering he plays the most brutal position in the game. The reasons for this are many, but the most manly reason is that he spent $100,000 per year on supplements and steroids (implicated in the BALCO steroid distribution ring). This guy used to ship his shit to BALCO to have it analyzed for the correct nutritional and hormonal balance, only a man bags his own shit and sends it in the mail.

I know this next quote may offend some but it is just a statement shows Romo's dedication to his craft, he told a group of his white teammates "We have to take ephedrine to keep with the niggers". Wow, that is manly. He looked like an animal on the football field and his intensity and tendency to pick up unsportsman-like conduct penalties was legendary. He also beat Jerry Rice's ass in practice in 1989 while they were teammates. He spit in JJ Stokes face in 1997, broke Larry Centures jaw in 1997 and fractured Kerry Collins leg in 1998, this guy was a killing machine.

Romanowski's last act as a player landed him in court for assault. In 2003, he savagely attacked teammate Marcus Williams in practice. He proceeded to tear the weaklings helmet off and sat on his chest and pounded him into submission ending this no-talent, non-steroid enhanced loser's career. Williams suffered two broken orbital bones, a concussion, double vision and depression, now that is ass kicking Viking style. Romo knew that his final act had to be good, and man it was, he retired in 2003 with post-concussion syndrome a direct result of hitting so many people with the crown of his helmet, which is illegal but great. True Vikings do not concern themselves with laws and rules, they destroy, conquer, and lead. Bill Romanowski did just that. He was an accomplished player, he played in five Super Bowls and four Pro Bowls, his on-field accomplishments are Hall of Fame worthy but his demeanor may cost him his rightful spot in Canton. But he makes our Hall of Fame and when you look at the other men on the list, where would you rather be?? Of course for an estrogen soaked man like yourself, you don't have that choice, you are basically woman with a small flaccid penis, but what can you do, right?? Be like Romo, shit in a bag, juice up and destroy!! Long live Romo!!!

#3 Jesse “The Body” Ventura

Number Three on our list is none other than "The Body" Jesse Ventura. The former Navy Seal, professional wrestler, actor, and governor of the state of Minnesota is a manly ass dude for many reasons. After all, it doesn't get much more manly than being a killing machine in the Navy Seals. I am sure that he killed more than his fair share of skinny communist bastards in Vietnam. I must imagine that the trail of gore he left across the entire continent of Asia was very similar to his role in Predator. It's a safe bet to say he probably chewed, fired a 100 lb. mini gun and talked shit to his weak, puny adversaries before sawing them in half with his chain gun.

Ventura's self-professed use of anabolic steroids is also manly. You see, on a biological level, a man is measured solely by the amount of male hormone coursing through his veins. Men like Ventura maximize the potential of their god given hormones and then they decide they need more. The simple creed of any real man is "If a little is good, more must be better" and that could not be more true.

As an actor, Ventura uttered one of the greatest lines in movie history in the opening scenes of Predator. As he and co-star Arnold got ready to kill anything that moved in the jungle, they were on a helicopter where the always generous "Body" decided to offer some of his delicious leafy chew to his buddies. The pussies on the chopper turned him down. Mr. Ventura was understandably disgusted by the cowardly acts of his non-chewing compadres. To that he said

"YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF SLACK-JAWED FAGGOTS AROUND HERE, THIS STUFF WILL MAKE YOU A SEXUAL TYRANASUROUS JUST LIKE ME".

Now that is what being a man is all about. Chewing and fucking, what could be better than that? Other great lines like "I ain't got time to bleed" (also in Predator) just serve to repeatedly beat you pussies out there with my thesis. Ventura was a fucking man!

Ventura didn't lose his touch as the Governor of Minnesota. When negotiating fishing rights he told the Chippewa tribe

"IF THE OLD WAYS IS WHAT THEY WANT, THEN THEY OUGHT TO BE BACK IN BIRCH-BARK CANOES INSTEAD OF 200 HORSEPOWER YAMAHA ENGINES WITH FISH FINDERS".

Talking shit to Indians as they whine and cry about their plight is not only delightful, but it's pretty damned manly as well. I remember seeing single mother at a town hall meeting ask Ventura how the government could help her go back to school and find employment. I'm paraphrasing here, but Ventura essentially told her that her stupid mistakes weren't the governments business and she should try to solve her own problems. Ever heard any other politician say anything even remotely like this? I don't thinks so!

#2 Arnold

A close second in this tournament of manhood, is the Terminator, the greatest bodybuilder in history, a top Hollywood draw, and now the Governor of California. ARNOLD!! My fucking hero!! Trust me, it was only an act of amazing selflessness by the winner that kept Arnie out of the number one spot. What can you say about this manly bastard? I will try to capture the essence of this guy, but there is not enough room to explain the manliness (read, greatness) of this Austrian immigrant.

Arnolds first claim to manly fame is being the undisputed greatest bodybuilder in history, and for all intents and purposes, introducing the great sport of bodybuilding to the masses. No, just because you do cardio and read Men's Fitness magazine, that does not mean that you are bodybuilder. It means you are gay!! For that matter trudging around the gym with a fanny pack and a gallon of water does not either, but that is a subject for a different day.

Look at this man!! The chest, the arms, the overall package. Not THAT package idiots, stop staring, yes he is bigger than you there too!! But just being a body-builder does not make Arnold the greatest man alive, it's his determination and ambition to be the best at whatever it is he's doing. As I am sure you ingrates know, he became the biggest star in Hollywood, with his critically acclaimed performances in manly classics such as Terminator, Predator and Kindergarten Cop. Hold on, even bad asses make mistakes sometimes. His acting was brilliant, see Predator "GET TO THE CHOPPER" and "DO IT NOW, KILL ME, I AM RIGHT HERE". Other immortal lines like "If it bleeds, we can kill it", and "Stick around" (said right after impaling a man with a machete) helped to cement his movie Predator as THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE! Citizen Kane licks the Predators' otherworldly balls! Of course, no nuclear weapon can kill this guy, he shits radiation and pisses plutonium (and no not because he used steroids, because he is so pissed).

Schwartzenegger has gone on to become the Governor of California and despite his manly tendency to grope women, he was still elected in a recall election against that drippy diseased vagina of a man Gray Davis. Barring the dumbocrats stopping a constitutional amendment to allow Austrian (not others, of course, I hope) immigrants to become president, this man will be President of United States. It is mathematically impossible for a Republican who can carry California to loose a presidential bid. California is the fifth largest economy in the world, and culturally it is even more prominent. but it's just a stepping-stone on his path to world domination! From a poor Austrian boy, to steroid using bodybuilder with no English skills, to the biggest star in the world, to President. WHAT A FUCKING MAN!!

GET READY!!!

#1 Pat Tillman 1976-2004

Pat "Fucking" Tillman!!! (1976-2004) REST IN PEACE BROTHER!! What can you say about this piece of pure masculine perfection? First of all, look at him!! He looks like a G.I. Joe action figure on steroids. That jaw line can only be explained by an absolutely inhuman amount of male hormone, and as you will soon know, testosterone is the key to manliness. This guy shits more testosterone than any of you soft-bodied pussies have flowing through your soymilk-laden veins.

What makes Tillman the greatest man of modern times is a notion lost to most of you, limp-wristed pencil- pushing desk jockeys. For him it wasn't enough to be big, look like a Marvel superhero, and crush guys on the football field. Real men make hard choices. Tillman didn't fuck around in this category. But first things first: Pat Tillman was a great athlete (He played for the Arizona Cardinals from 1999-2001) and he had a fucking mullet! He was also named 1997 Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year. He broke the franchise record for tackles (as if it were the femur of a malnourished Taliban soldier) with 224 in his rookie year, which to you non-football fans (once again, pussies) he kicked serious ass.

As I said earlier, real men make hard choices. In 2001 Pat Tillman's ass kicking would take a turn after the attacks of September 11th. In retaliation to the cowardly attack by our sub-human friends in Al Qaeda, Tillman joined the US Army as an elite Army Ranger. Not only did he turn down a multi-year, multi-million dollar NFL contract to go kill the wife beating chronic masturbators otherwise known as the Taliban, but he also turned down a position as an officer so he could get some real fucking blood on his hands. It is choices and actions like this that define the word hero. Sadly, and almost unbelievably, Tillman was killed in action. He most likely died in the midst of some incomprehensible feat of heroics. With the details sketchy, I think it's safe to assume Tillman went down amongst a pile of hundreds if not thousands of dead Taliban soldiers. Many of these dead soldiers no doubt suffered broken arms, legs, necks and other grotesque blunt force trauma as Tillman probably at some point spent the last of his ammunition and had to confront the enemy army with his bare hands. One can only imagine how many bullets it must have taken to bring him down.

Pat Tillman is the manliest man in modern times. Tillman was a Viking, and a gleaming pillar of virtue, an example for all you emo-listening she-males out there with liberal studies degrees. When you die, nobody will remember your shitty poetry or your coffee shop philosophy discussions, but they will build statues of men like Pat Tillman. Just remember, as you die poor and alone, it's men like Tillman who rule this world and exert their power and influence on everyone. ESPECIALLY YOU! This was a man who would have almost certainly been President one day had he wished it. Tragically, as Americans, we may never understand what we lost. Rest in peace Mr. Tillman.

arthur@arthurshall.com      shat@arthurshall.com

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