SPREADING THE GOSPEL OF CHEW

The title of this article is Spreading the Gospel of Chew!! You say, "what the hell are you talking Arthur?" Listen up ladies, my mission in life to make everyone a more conservative, gun-toting, chewing manly ass Viking. The thesis here is that we (right-minded intelligent people) should make chew widely available to everyone including young boys at about age 12. Why would I do such a thing? Well, if you must know it is to propagate the great ideals of the Republican Party. You see, I have never in my life met a chewing Dumbocrat. The chemicals that are directly administered to your bloodstream by this great product simply do not allow a man to think like a bitch.

This article will tell you non-chewing pussies why you should be chewing right now, even as you read this. First of all, I will confess that I cannot write an article without a big, slimy wad of tobacco in my mouth. This to some may seem like weakness in the form of addiction (it is impossible for me to be weak, I am of Viking stock), I see it as strength in knowing that chew brings out more of the natural testosterone in me and would do the same for you. One of the great things about chewing tobacco is spitting all the time, spitting all over the place is manly as all get out. Carrying a clear spitter everywhere you go is like a masculine merit badge, like a steroid induced stretch mark on your biceps. Chew grosses women out and that, of course, is a good thing. One of the basic tenents of masculinity is doing nothing to impress women, once you sell out and try to impress them you will start growing a sweaty vagina and your cock will be replaced by nasty folds of skin.

My plan is to start placing fresh cans of chew in junior high schools so that boys can start chewing and unleashing their manliness. By doing this, men will stop worrying about what clothes they wear and how their hair looks, instead they will be worried about where their spitter is and they will spontaneously start to lift weights and voting for Republican candidates. They will also spit all over everything including helpless non-chewers, floors, carpets, car floors and stupid bitches that won't fuck them because they don't want to be known as sluts. I will say this, my co-author Shatner, does not chew and he is faggot for not chewing, and you, my readers should tell him that via email shatner@authurshall.com. He does not understand that chewing can accentuate his masculinity and help him get some ass instead of being a pussy who designs my website like my little bitch.

I have spoken to my dear friends Dick Cheney and Karl Rove about this plan, and they are very impressed with my idea. I will start lobbying for dropping all taxes on tobacco, but not cigarettes. Smoking is not manly, it is what prepubescent chicks do as they prepare for their inevitable decline into cock-sucking whores. The promiscuity of smoking chicks will be detailed later on this site, check back again soon. I hope that you will support my brilliant plan to help the world become a better place by Spreading the Gospel of Chew all over the world. The first thing you can do is get in your Dodge Neon with it's Howard Dean stickers and a spoiler and go to 7-11 and get a can of Copenhagen and drop a chew in your mouth. Soon you will will kicking your pussy ass car in disgust and heading down to dealership to get yourself a Ford F150, with a gunrack of course. Once you get home, get on the NRA site and register to be a NRA member and then take a share of your measly paycheck and send it to the RNC to support the election of Republicans who defend your rights as a gun-toting chewer! Stop being a pussy and have a fucking chew, and start spittin'.

-arthur@arthurshall.com