FAT LARDS AND FOOD STAMPS

Here is a question for you. Have you ever been pissed off when you are the grocery store and the person in front of you is buying Coke, white bread, frozen pizzas and Star Magazine using food stamps? I know that I get violently pissed every time I see it. Here in my great state, food-stampers get a cool card that looks like a credit card with which to buy their sugary, prepared foods. These people are almost always disgustingly obese and generally they have an odor that smells like a fragrant combination of sweat, cat shit and motor oil. My question is this. Why do these fat bastards get free food? They could live for months off the folds of fat on just their upper arms! And also, how do they live with themselves depending on people like me to pay for their diabetes inducing junk food? I have a solution to this problem that will end this social scourge.

I say that people who are too lazy to pay for food should receive food stamps that are printed on stiff cardstock the size of newspapers. A bright day-glow pink of course. They should be huge and they should come in 50-cent increments. In other words, these losers should have to walk in the grocery store with a cart full of bright pink food stamps that clearly identify them as the money-sucking, oxygen wasting bums that they are. This will make it incredibly embarrassing to walk in to the store and this embarrassment will encourage them to get off their morbidly obese asses and get a fucking job.

I also propose that people who are using these stamps should be forced to come to the store at the prime shopping hours between 5pm to 7pm. This will maximize the embarrassment and make the fat losers endure scornful looks from everyone who is actually working and paying for their own food. But even with these changes, I think these parasites will still think that is ok to suck us working folks dry. So the final step to this solution is creating a machine that accepts these large, pink stamps. These machines will be placed at the only line that these ingrates can go to and they will be designed to make it as hard as possible to use these stamps. The machine will also have a computerized voice that says at a deafening 100 decibels "YOUR FOOD STAMP HAS NOT BEEN ACCEPTED, READ THE DIRECTIONS AGAIN (if you are able), AND REINSERT YOUR FOOD STAMP INTO THE FOOD STAMP SLOT, THANK YOU FOR USING THE FOOD STAMP ACCEPTER".

If there is someone out there hungry and desperate enough to sign on to my little program, then they can use all the stamps they want. Anyone who has so little pride in themselves could never actually hold a job anyway and as a self-employed business owner, I know that I would never hire someone like that anyway. I can only imagine the interview: Arthur "So what you say are your strengths as an employee" Loser "I can breathe and walk at the same time (followed by a toothless grin and 30 seconds of fat jiggling after this easily amused, illiterate and brain dead bastard laughs for 1 second about their recently acquired skill of walking and breathing). Second question: Arthur "Do you have any limitations that may need special consideration?" Fat ass "Other than my sugar-induced Type 2 Diabetes and my persistent ankle problems brought on by my 400 pound body, no". Fuck these losers and any embarrassment that this proposal brings. Do me a favor, next time you see these bastards buying candy with your money, grab the Butterfinger from their sweaty hands and eat it and say "I am sure you would not mind me having a bite of the candy bar that I just bought for you with my tax money, you fat fuck". Do the world a favor and harass and vilify these bums so that they get off their asses and go get a job at McDonald's so they can serve you with a toothless smile. Ain't America Grand?

-arthur@arthurshall.com