FACIAL HAIR IS MANLY AS FUCK!

There was a time, in America and the rest of the civilized world, when a full beard was a trademark of manhood. Presidents like James Garfield, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, Martin Van Buren, and William Taft sported supremely manly facial hair that served as a beacon of hope and freedom for the rest of the world. Particularly to those who just weren’t manly enough to grow a beard. With this proud history of American manliness, one wonders how we arrived where we are today. The last American president to sport manly-ass facial hair left office in 1913. How far we have fallen.

It seems unthinkable that a man who sports a beard today could be elected as the leader of the free world. I would love to blame hippies for ruining the beard for all of us in the 1960’s by forcing us to associate facial hair with unkempt smelly pacifists, but this tragic cultural shift appears to have taken begun around the turn of the century. I’m not sure I can track down the reasons for this unfortunate cultural change, but there are two goals I do wish to accomplish in this article: First, I wish to argue and establish the fact that beards are every bit as manly today as they were 150 years ago, and perhaps more so. Second, I want to provide a practical guide for facial hair growth that I believe is manly and culturally relevant in today’s world.

Let us all stop and think for a minute about the things we do, and the choices we make as men that are considered manly in this day and age. Here’s the short list: Men fight, men listen to heavy metal, men spend lots of energy lifting weights to get big but don’t want to take out the garbage, men chew and spit all over the place, men drink lots of beer and shun alcohol that is sweet and tastes like fruit, men ride motorcycles, drive huge pickup trucks, and fast sports cars, men kill small animals with high powered rifles for fun, men start wars, and men ruthlessly strive to dominate whether it be in the business world, politics, or military might.

What do all these manly pursuits have in common? They are all anti-ethical to 99.9% of the female population. These things drive women crazy. You might ask the question, “are these lifestyles and choices manly because women despise them, or do women just lack understanding and appreciation of things that are innately manly?” Good question, but I’m not sure it really matters much at least as far as this article is concerned. My hypothesis is this: men become more manly every time they do exactly what it is they want to do, completely ignoring the feelings of the female population. With that said, who the hell wants to wake up every morning and shave? So there you have it, indisputable logic that growing facial hair is by its nature, manly.

I'm sure there are few that would argue that today’s man is manlier, or even equal in manhood to the man of yesterday. Populations of men are moving more and more to urban areas and accepting jobs that emasculate and pussify them. More men than ever are divorcing their wives, having children out of wedlock, depriving their families, and jeopardizing future generations of manly men. Tomorrow’s men, if you can call them that, are being brought up by single mothers and being supported by taxpayer dollars. America is truly facing a crisis in manhood. As frightening as these trends may be, great manly traditions like facial hair are not completely lost. In fact the argument could be made that in our emasculated America that so loathes proper machismo, these traditions and styles of old are more manly than ever. If only because they serve to buck the system more than they ever did before.

I don’t mean to take away from great bearded men like Ulysses S. Grant and William Taft… but how much more manly would it be if in this day and age our President, George W. Bush said “fuck y’all, I’m growing a beard”. That would be manly! Growing obnoxious facial hair is one of those rare masculine traditions that always has been, and always will be manly. Women hate beards (probably because they can’t grow them), growing a beard challenges the expectations of society, and growing a beard allows men to disregard a time-consuming part of their daily personal hygiene routine, leaving more time for chew, guns, and tinkering with internal combustion engines. After all, having a beard is part of a man’s natural state. What’s more manly than being as you are, natural, and of course… bearded?

Now that I’ve established the value of facial hair historically, and it’s place in the modern world, I thought I’d provide today’s emasculated male population with a simple guide to the exciting world of facial hair. There are still men blazing trails in the world of manly facial hair, and I think they deserve to be recognized. So here it is, The Arthur’s Hall Guide to Manly Facial Hair.

Arthur’s Hall: Guide to Manly Facial Hair

The “Lemmy” The “Lemmy” is named for Lemmy Kimister the lead singer and Bassist for the heavy metal band Motorhead. Mr. Kilmister is a manly man by almost any standard. He’s been on tour constantly since the early 1970’s playing rock n’ roll, smoking, and bagging groupies the whole time. Although Motorhead has never really enjoyed big commercial success, Kilmister has been a groundbreaker and an inspiration in music and facial hair growth. Growing a “Lemmy” is the easy part; living up to its namesake is a different story. The process is simple, grow a full beard, and shave your chin. If you want to go the extra mile, you can get a plastic surgeon to give you some huge moles on your cheek and smoke three packs a day.

The “I’m In a Pissed-Off Metal Band and Look Like a Viking” If you are blond, and in a pissed-off metal band, you owe it to the world to grow a sweet beard. Brent Hinds of Mastodon recognized this, and so we are paying tribute to him today. This beard is a great all-purpose manly beard, and is only made more manly by Mr. Hinds’ long hair and Viking appearance.

The “Viking” The carefully preened asshole goatee is going the way of mullets and mini-trucks, and this is a good thing. Facial hair that is too clean and presentable lacks manliness. If your woman loves your facial hair, that’s usually a good sign it isn’t very manly. There is one way to salvage your asshole goatee however… stop listening to Staind and preening it like a girl. Grow it out and braid it! This is one of the manliest things a man can possibly do with his facial hair. Get to it pussies!

The “Karl Marx” I hate to associate a degenerate communist like Marx with something so masculine, but I do think Marx is the most recognizable example of this manly style of facial hair. There is really nothing to this look. Just let it grow and get crazy. It’s manly because it’s so easy! It’s also manly because there isn’t a woman on the planet who would support such out of control facial hair. Still, Marx was a racist, communist asshole whose ideology is responsible for the death of millions. Hey, that’s kinda manly.

The “GOP” This moustache is still somewhat socially acceptable within some circles, thus it is not as manly as some other styles. Still, the GOP does make a strong statement about the political stance of the wearer. Demonstrated here by John Stossel, the GOP makes a statement to everyone that you are a strong conservative who goes to church, loves his wife, and probably works in law enforcement. The GOP may lack the danger and excitement of some other stashes, but you can’t argue with its message. The “GOP” may also be referred to as the “Ned Flanders”. In truth, it’s kinda like a mullet… business on top, and party in the back. It’s facial hair, but the wearer isn’t really going all the way. Too much business, and not enough party if you ask me. Which brings us to our next stash…

The “Sam Elliott” Does Sam Elliot have his voice because of his manly facial hair, or does he have his manly facial hair because of his manly voice? We may never know. If you don’t know who Sam Elliott is, you are a pussy. Go jump in your hybrid car and rent “The Big Lebowski”. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Sam Elliott is a manly actor, with a manly voice and a manly mustache. He ’s also smoked tons of fools in all sorts of movies. In short, he’s fucking great! And remember, the “Sam Elliott” is not to be confused with the “GOP” the additional length of the “Sam Elliott” makes this stash very manly indeed, and is an indication that the wearer is a bit of a rebel, and quite possibly dangerous.

The Fu-Manchu The Fu-Manchu has a proud history, from Genghis Kahn who spread his seed all over Asia to UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, who regularly pounds other men’s heads into the canvas of UFC rings. In today’s world, there is nothing that says, “watch out, I’m crazy white trash” like the Fu-Manchu. Does it fit into the Arthur’s Hall vision of manhood? Perhaps not, but it is manly none-the-less. If you are white trash and wondering what to do with your asshole goatee because you are tired of chew spit getting crusty in you whiskers… Fu-Manchu it!

The “Teutul” Now the popularity of Orange County Chopper t-shirts among white trash meth-heads is as big a mystery to me as the popularity of NASCAR, but I’m not about to say anything bad about “American Chopper’s” Paul Teutul. This guy is an alpha male of the highest order. The man is a huge, angry, juiced up asshole who has a Fu-Manchu growing all the way down his neck. Take note pussies, this guy didn’t grow his pissed-off facial hair to impress the ladies. He’s a fucking man! He likes to yell, break shit, build loud motorcycles, lift weights, and grow ludicrous facial hair. Shit, I have to go guy some OCC t-shirts now!

-shat@arthurshall.com