THE TEN MANLIEST FIREARMS
by Guest Author, Crazy Einar

This was a hard piece to write, because guns by definition are manly, except for Berettas, gold-plated TEC9s, .25 caliber pistols or anything made by the French.  To simplify things, I have limited it to modern cartridge firearms a man might, can, and should collect and shoot.  There are certainly other manly weapons, and you may have a different list. As long as the list contains nothing French, gold-plated, .25 or with pearl grips (which Patton correctly observed are the mark of a New Orleans pimp), it is a good list.


#10: SMLE
The 10 SMLE was the other great weapon of the Modern British Empire (The Brown Bess musket being the first).  Several MILLION Short Model Lee-Enfields in .303 caliber are still spread across the Earth, waiting to be used to evolve the species by killing the weak.

The Smelly, as it is called by those who love it, can be rebarreled in .308 (And was, by the Indians at the Ishapore Arsenal).  There are still several billion rounds of .303 surplus out there, however, and it is still loaded by modern manufacturers.  Karamojo Bell was such a testosterone laden bastard he used to hunt ELEPHANT with one.  Forget .470 Nitro Express and .375 Holland & Holland Magnum.  This was a warrior par excellence.

The Smelly is still the fastest bolt action out there, and a trained soldier (All Brits have Viking blood in their veins, either from the Norse, or those lesser Danes, but probably both) can fire just about a round a second in volley fire, and easily a round every five seconds aimed.  It's an ugly stick with a barrel on it, and a bayonet lug that mounts either a spike big enough to crucify someone, or a blade the size of a small sword.  The front end of a SMLE is the bad end of a SMLE. You want to be on the good end, behind it.

It was used in WWI by Brits, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis, some Americans and various allies.  It slaughtered Turks and Germans.  In WWII, it slaughtered more Germans and Italians.  Okay, maybe bragging about dead Italians isn't so great, but it also killed Sicilians.  And killing Germans definitely is a mark of manliness, because they also carry strong Viking genes.  It was used in Burma, Malaysia and throughout the Pacific against the Imperial Japanese.  It has won many wars.

Best of all, with so many still out there, the prices are quite reasonable, and spare parts are plentiful.  Of course, the Smelly doesn’t break down much, so you shouldn't need spare parts, except the safety lever, and why would a real warrior worry about the safety?  If you shoot someone, it's because you intended to and they deserved to die. If you can't find a Smelly near you, you may also carry a Lee-Enfield #4 Mk 1 and feel just as manly, it being the final offpsring of the line.

- General Henri Guisan

Switzerland has not been invaded in 800 years, because every man and most of the women are issued guns which they keep at home.  Imagine a government that not only allows but INSISTS its citizens keep military grade weapons.  That's points right there.  Even more, they hold quarterly Schuetzenfests, at which shooting, carousing and drinking are expected.  And it's entirely possible you will have your ass handed to you by a 13 year old girl shooting a select-fire StG90 assault rifle that she carried to the range from school, slung across her back while pedaling her bicycle.  Swiss GIRLS are better men than most allegedly-male American liberals.

There is a story, possibly apocryphal but awesome nonetheless, that a ranking German (possibly the Kaiser) was visiting and watching the Swiss military on their summer maneuvers.  He asked the Swiss commander, "How big a force do you command?"

The Swiss general confidently replied, "I can mobilize one million men in twenty-four hours."

The German asked, "What would happen if I marched five million men in here tomorrow?"

The Swiss replied, "Each of my men will fire five shots and go home."

Note that Switzerland was not invaded during either World War, and still used an updated version of the same bolt action rifle from 1889 to 1959, and kept it in reserve service until 1980.

The Swiss K31 carbine is…well, the Swiss Watch of rifles.  It is precise, sturdy, accurate, powerful and unusual in having a straight pull bolt action.  It might as well be semi-auto, if a gas tube had just been added.  But the Swiss are traditionalists and not afraid of it.

The K31 packs a kick.  It fires a 7.5 mm Swiss round that is expensive, because it only comes from Switzerland and it's only available in match grade.  There is no non-match grade Swiss Ammo.  Swiss soldiers don't miss.  This is why they've never had to demonstrate the fact.  Invaders fear a mountain range full of snipers.

The K31 is available surplus for $100-$160, in conditions varying from "Arsenal new" to "Beaver chewed."  The beaver chewed version is because the Swiss, when performing their summer drills, tend to use the rifle butts to pound TENT STAKES when they run short of mallets.  It is an ugly but durable weapon, from a nation that respects the warrior spirit.  As a bonus, when buying one surplus, one may find a card under the buttplate identifying the gentleman who was issued it.  This is an awesome historical detail: a warrior's weapon with the warrior's mark on it.  Some people have even managed to contact the soldier or his family from this information.

#6:  AK47
Another communist piece of trash, and I say that with the greatest respect.  The Automat Kalashnikov in 7.62X39mm is simple enough for a third world peasant.  It's quite robust.  It is muzzle heavy and thus shoots well in full auto, though it is unlikely you can own a full auto one legally.  Still, in semi, the weight helps a bit with rapid fire. The AK can be called anything except pretty and accurate, and it lacks a bolt stop to hold the action open when empty.  On the other hand, you can bury it in the mud for a week and it will still fire after you urinate in it to sluice the mud out.  You can also elect to get a variation of the newer AK74 and AK100, in 5.45X 39mm.  Also look at Valmet, Finland, who makes AKs with their own name.  These ARE accurate, but pricey.

The AK is one of the two most popular and common military rifles in the world today.  It is a must for a warrior's armory.


#5:  Smith & Wesson Model 29
The .44 Magnum, as carried by Dirty Harry, is the quintessential man's gun.  Harry took no crap from anyone.  Any cop who clutches a thug in the elevator in front of his attorney and the prosecutor, compares him to dogshit and implies impending death is doing Odin's work.

Did you know that in "The Eiger Sanction" Clint decided the stunts were too dangerous for him to ask anyone to do them for him, so he learned mountain climbing and was the last climber up the Totem Pole in Monument Valley, before climbing the Eiger?  That scene with the 1000 foot drop below and he has to cut his rope?  Yup.  Clint did that stunt.  He writes his own music (he's an accomplished jazz pianist), performs it and directs most of his movies.  He ran for mayor of Carmel, then left after one term.  A modest, competent man and a role model for all.  He should play heavy metal to be perfect, but he was also born in 1930 (meaning he was 43 when he climbed that mountain), so we can excuse the jazz bit.  At least it's not rap, country or disco.

Even without that manly vote, the Model 29 was designer Elmer Keith's triumph:  A hand cannon that packs as much wallop as many mid-range rifles.  It can be used to hunt fairly large game, and it will put a thug down with extreme pain.  Mercifully, the pain will fade concurrently with blood loss from the gaping hole it leaves.

It's a comfortable revolver, and if .44 Magnum is too much, you can load it with .44 Special instead.  It is stronger than it needs to be, quite accurate, and instantly recognizeable.  Carrying it in a well-made leather holster says that you are, in fact, a man and you take no crap.


#4:  AR15
Lots of people will dispute my choice of this rifle.  Those people are whiners and pussies.  Let's look at the facts:  The Air Police grabbed it under direction from General Curtis leMay.  Upon seeing it in Vietnam, the Green Berets, SEALs, and SAS jumped on it, to be followed by the Singaporean Special Forces and the Israelis.  It soon became standard.  Certainly, there were problems early on, in part because the limpwristed twits in Army Logistics made changes to the weapon and ammo without consulting with the designer, Eugene Stoner.  The USMC (the manliest men of the manliest military on the planet, and true Vikings—shipboard warriors who strike fear into their enemies just by existing) were called in to remedy some of those flaws with the M16A2.

It works well in the desert, as long as it's not overlubed—the direct gas system blows dust out with every shot.  All myths aside, the 5.56 mm round has killed a LOT of Asian losers who thought they could screw with Americans and come out ahead.  If anyone doubts it, I have a standing offer to meet them at 500 yards and we'll swap fire.  I get to shoot first.  At 500 yards, a 5.56mm still packs more energy than a .45 ACP does at the muzzle.  That's plenty of power.  And it's not a sniper rifle.  You should not be engaging at that range with an assault rifle.  It's made to be light, deadly and face-to-face.  It's the modern equivalent of the Viking's bow and broadsword.

What can you do with this rifle?  What CAN'T you do with it?  It can be converted to .22, 6mm, 6.8mm, .300 Fireball, 9mm, .50 Beowulf.  All you have to do is press two pins and swap upper receivers.  You can have anything from a 6" pistol to a 24" match rifle in a matter of minutes. It can be equipped with scopes, sights, lights, lasers, grips, slings, counterweights, pouches, compartments, underslung launchers and shotguns, bayonets and probably a kitchen sink.  The USMC is impressed enough to have designed an M16A4 and plans to carry it for some time. At 45 years and counting, it holds the record for rifle service life in the US military, was and still is the rifle of choice of several elite units.  Third world peasants carry AK47s.  Elite experts carry AR15s.

I've used military versions of the M16, M16A1, M16A2, M16A3, M4, M4A1, XM177, GAU-5, manufactured by Colt, H&R, FN, civilian rifles from Bushmaster, Armalite, Eagle, Olympic Arms, Cavalry Arms, PWA and others.  Conditions varied from Arctic, desert, swamp, woodland, field, urban. Problems?  Few and far between.  Clean out the crud, dry and lightly oil per the manual.  Real men DO read manuals, regarding instruments of death.

I've attached the following pictures, to show the phallic excess one can achieve for a laugh, and to prove that my 9 year old daughter is more of a man and warrior than you.  But you can get there if you work at it, and start by buying a good gun and learning how to use it.  AR15s start at $550 and go up.  Generally, the manlier the more expensive, but over $2000 indicates you are just showing off.


#3: Remington 870
Geek with a .45 says, "The pump action shotgun is sort of a Swiss Army gun."  He's correct.  You can hunt birds, squirrels, deer, criminals or terrorists.

The Remington 870 has been around for decades.  It is easy to maintain, easy to find parts for, almost flawlessly reliable, can be outfitted with a broad variety of accessories that enhance its inherent and undisguisable lethality.  I recommend a 20" barrel with an extended 7 round magazine, plus one in the chamber, alternating buckshot and slugs.  Or you can go with all buckshot.  This affords the opportunity to fire 8 rounds with 9 pellets each of 000 buck, measuring approximately 9mm, in about two and a half seconds with practice.  That's twice the output of an Uzi with better hit probability and more power.  In other words, as guns go, it is very well hung.

For hunting, I'd recommend a 24" barrel with changeable choke tubes. You can get longer, but don't really need it.

The only real disadvantage to a shotgun is range.  100 yards is about the limit, and less with shot. This is offset by the advantages of a reassuring "kaCLACK" as you cycle it (reassuring to you.  Gut wrenching to your target), massive firepower that can leave a man standing dead, looking down at a hole in his torso big enough to toss a dog through, versatility of ammo, simplicity and low cost.  You can often get one police surplus for under $150, used, and new for under $300.

Every house needs at least one pistol, rifle and shotgun.  THIS is the shotgun if you can afford it.  By all means buy a more modern Benelli as well, but the 870 is still the American standard.  When the revolting scum start rioting like chimps and burning cars in the streets of America, it will quickly come to a stop because of Viking-sired rednecks with Remington 870 pump action shotguns.

#2: Colt Model 1911A1 .45 ACP
John Moses Browning is the patron saint of shooters and weapon designers.  This was a man so manly that his sole purpose in life was to create weapons to kill tasty animals and the enemies of our nation in job lots.  These weapons were so successful that both sides used the Hi Power in WWII, and the US Army is fixing its unmanly error of the 9mm by calling for bids on a new .45, while the Marine Recon units and certain other Special Operations units are STILL using the Model 1911A1 with a few improvements, 96 years after it was first fielded.

There are many versions of the 1911.  The patent is expired, and dozens of companies produce a version.  What can you expect?  Real warriors know a good gun, and this gun is the most popular for that reason.  This is a pistol so manly that during WWII, it was even made by Singer Sewing Machine, and collectors prize that version for its rarity.  The 1911 is THE pistol people think of when the word is invoked.  In fact, when I am World Dictator, the only pistols that will be allowed to be produced will be the 1911 and the GLOCK.

The 1911 is available in long slide, standard, short, bobbed, officer's models (slightly more compact), with dozens of accessories and custom shapes, in chrome, nickel, stainless, blued steel, Damascus, aluminum, titanium and plastics.  All are good.  The one caution is that some effete whimps have persuaded makers to produce some NON .45 versions, in .38 Super, 9mm and other inferior chamberings.  A real man may carry a more powerful 10mm version, but he better have a .45 ACP slide and barrel at home as backup.


#1: Barrett M82 .50 caliber rifle
Ronnie Barrett is a true modern Viking.  He hunts big game.  He plays with guns.  One day in the late 70s, he thought to himself, "Wouldn't it be cool if there was a RIFLE that fired the same .50 BMG cartridge as Saint John Browning's Heavy Machine Gun?"  So he built it.  That's manly.

When the metrosexual Kalifornia wusses were wetting their pants over "assault rifles," he got dragged into the argument.  You see, Ronnie sells many weapons to police departments, for use in stopping bad guys, so they claim.  By "bad" guy they sometimes mean tattooed gangbanger. They also sometimes mean balding, pony-tailed, pot-smoking hippie, though.  After all, this IS Cretinfornia.

But that wasn't enough for Commiefornia.  They had a ban on "assault weapons" (An "assault weapon" is a semantically null political term that means "It can be used to hurt people."  As the REAL commies in Russia, who were men descended from Vikings (at least the ones in charge) would note, "Of course hurts people.  Is weapon."  You may as well refer to your "house home."  The wussy definition of "Assault weapon" bears no resemblance to the US military's definition.  It comes down to, "It's black and makes us poopoo in our panties!"

So, even with a ban on "assault weapons" that included most self-loading rifles, including Barrett's M82 Light Fifty, the People's Republic of Kalifornija wanted more.  They dragged one of his rifles from the LA SWAT armory and used it (Illegal for civilians to own, mind you), as a horrible example of weapons that Must Be Banned Lest They Pollute Our Precious, Bodily Fluids.

They got their ban, because their voters are the type of trilling limpwrists one sees portrayed in movies as stereotypes…only in Californica they're not stereotypes, they're typical.  It must suck to be a real man on the Left Coast.

Now, Ronnie is not a metrosexual wuss.  Ronnie is, in fact, a real testosterone-laden Viking MAN.  He warned them then, then he told them, he would oppose them in their pursuit.  And Ronnie does not make idle threats.  He is a man of his word.

A few weeks later, LA SWAT sent one of these rifles that they use for shooting fleeing mopeds back to Barrett for maintenance…and Ronnie sent it right back to them, untouched, contract cancelled, with polite instructions to stick it somewhere dark and smelly and ride it straight to hell.  Not only that, he publicly and proudly announces in all his advertising that he WILL NOT sell to or deal with ANY government entity in communist third world Kali.

And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is a MAN.  While not everyone can afford or make use of his wonderful toys, it's certainly an honor and privilege to promote a real modern Viking who understands the application of bowel-emptying terror, and how to tell friend from foe.

And there's more!  After securing military contracts for anti-materiel sniping (Generators, vehicles, radars, etc), and facing the wrath of Sarah Brady and her Gun-Grabbing Sideshow (which wrath he snickered at, it having all the intimidation of an angry kitten and Ronnie, as we noted, being a Viking), he gave the ultimate middle finger gesture and redesigned the weapon into 25 mm, or TWICE as big. This is a man so cool even his sperm smoke unfiltered Camels.  And that makes this gun the manliest gun on Earth.