THE 25 MANLIEST FILMS
Welcome, fellow Vikings! My name is Archangel. Some of you may know me from the Arthur's Hall Forum. For my first article, I have composed for you all a list of what I consider to be the manliest films of all time. My father is a film professor, and I have taken several college-level courses in film studies, so I feel qualified to attempt this monumental task. Below I have provided a brief description of each movie along with why I feel it is worthy to be on the list. So turn off the Lifetime network, make yourself a protein shake and prepare to be enlightened about the few gems of manliness that shine brightly in the dark world of motion pictures. Without further ado, I give you.
25. Bloodsport (1987)
Manly actors: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Donald Gibb, Bolo Yeung
Van Damme stars as Frank Dux in the true story of a solider who goes AWOL to participate in an illegal martial arts tournament in Hong Kong. Here he meets Ray Jackson(Gibb), who you might recognize from his pivotal role as Ogre in the Revenge of the Nerds series. Unfortunately, he also meets the vicious Chong Li(Yeung), who's training regimen includes shattering blocks of ice and a strict diet of Thai street urchins. The film lives up to its name; there are some awesome fights here, and Chong Li's unnecessary in-ring brutality makes him a perfect bad guy.
There is much testosterone-laden imagery here. Li's pec-dance is enough to make any mere mortal soil their undies in fear, as well as Van Damme's trademark splits, which makes the rack seems joyous by comparison. And then of course there's Dux's godlike physique, compared to which Michelangelo's works look positively bulimic. Bloodsport is an excellent way get all pumped up to pick a fight with the Jehovah's Witnesses who keep knocking on your door, and later appear in front of a judge who throws all sorts of fancy legal terms like "battery" and "attempted murder" at you, and then get in imprisoned with 300-lb black man who makes you sing for him to ward off the ever-present threat of his 10-inch shween.not that I'd, uh.know anything about that.
Manly quote:
Chong Li: "You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend." (a master orator indeed)
24. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (1966)
Manly actors: Clint Eastwood
Clint returns as the infamous "Man With No Name" in the third chapter in series of Westerns that doesn't bear the name of the Man With No Name.I assure you that makes sense. Regardless, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is one the best Westerns ever made. Clint (The Good) is working alongside a treacherous Mexican named Tuco (The Ugly). Clint brings Tuco to jail and collects the bounty, then shoots him down from the gallows and they move on the next town to repeat their scam. They were cheating the legal system long before OJ! Soon these two get involved in a plot to find a sizable sum hidden in a civil war soldier's grave. Unfortunately, they have some competition in the form of Angel Eyes (The Bad), and bloodthirsty desperado with no conscience.
TGTBATU's protagonists perform many manful deeds, including using an oncoming train to cut handcuffs, and disrupting a Civil War battle by blowing up a bridge. The film also has many humorous moments mixed in with its' 10-gallon hatful of manliness. Interestingly, the movie was originally filmed in Italian, and despite its'alarming lack of hand-gesturing and meatballs, TGTBATU remains one of the prime examples of the so-called "Spaghetti Western". Grab a fistful of dollars and pick this up today.
Manly quote:
Man With No Name: "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig."
23. Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995)
Manly actors: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson
McClaine(Willis) wakes up with horrid hangover to learn that a German terrorist who calls himself "Simon" has planted bombs throughout NYC. He forces McClaine to play a deadly and humiliating game of "Simon says" to forestall their detonation. Let there be no mistake; McClaine is a helluva man. It takes serious balls to walk through Harlem wearing a sandwich sign that reads "I hate niggers". And that's not a wise statement to make considering his co-star is Samuel L. Jackson, who goes by the name "Zeus". Die Hard 3 features pulse-pounding car chases, deadly truck chases, bombs in failing New York City public schools, and chases with boats filled with stolen gold. The third installment in the franchise that dies most difficultly is an action fan's meat and potatoes. Yippie-kaye-aye mother fucker!
Manly quote:
[McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park]
Zeus: "Are you aiming for these people?"
John McClane: "No.well, maybe that mime."
22. Planet Of The Apes (1968)
Manly actors: Charlton motherfucking Heston
What's manlier than Charlton Heston running around a post-apocalyptic planet ruled by talking apes? Not much, and that's exactly why it's on this list! After his rocket crash lands and his crew is killed, we find the rugged future president of the NRA marooned on a strange world where apes are smart and humans are filthy and stupid (no, it's not the Detroit Zoo). Soon he is captured by talking chimps and gorillas and is taken in for study.
The film was made during the height of the Cold War, so there is of course the theme of the horrors of nuclear war and whatnot. The different races of apes also have their own stereotypes, perhaps echoing the social turmoil of the time. The chimps are generally pacifist hippie-activist types, orangutans like the noble Dr. Zeaus are the scholars, and the gorillas are militaristic xenophobes. Thankfully, POTA's preachiness doesn't prevent it from being a great movie. Pick up this film today and unleash your inner ape!
Manly quote:
Heston: "Take your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape!"
21. The Great Escape (1963)
Manly actors: Steve McQueen
Based on true events, Steve McQueen proves he's no queen at all in this thrilling World War II classic. McQueen is trapped in a German POW camp, and when he's not throwing balls against walls in solitary confinement, he's coming up with creative and dastardly plans of escape. They try many different tactics, like jumping into trucks full of trees, cutting through the wires and digging elaborate trenches. Eventually they do escape, and it's a race across Nazi Europe by boats, plans, and trains to escape the retribution of their former captors.
Steve McQueen is an excellent leading man and the perfect choice for this role. His wisecracks provide comic relief at the appropriate times, and his nerves of steel allow him to perform spectacular stunts like flying over a fence on a motorcycle three years before Evel Knievel made such tomfoolery commonplace. While it may not be a gorefest like Saving Private Ryan or Enemy At The Gates, The Great Escape remains one of the better films about World War II. So, the next time you're looking for a "great escape", pick this movie up and, uh.*sigh*. God, that was fucking lame. Somebody slap me.
Manly quote:
Ramsey: "Did the Gestapo give you a rough time?"
Bartlett: "Not nearly as rough as I now intend to give them."
20. Platoon (1986)
Manly actors: Charlie Sheen, William Dafoe, Tom Berenger
Master director Oliver Stone tells a harrowing tale featuring funnyman Charlie Sheen in a not-so-funny film about the Vietnam War. When he first arrives in the sweltering mists of Siam, Sheen looks like that 15 year old kid in your Algebra 1 class who hadn't hit puberty yet. But the ruggedness and brutality of war soon forces his inner man to emerge from its' underdeveloped shell.
Sheen is torn between two rival sergeants; the level-headed and rational Elias (Dafoe), and ferocious and sadistic Barnes (Berenger). Barnes, who sports one of the fiercest scars in the history of mandom, is overzealous about his mission, torturing and killing civilians with no remorse. The confrontation between Elias and Barnes over this divides the men into rival factions. There are dozens of manly and ridiculous scenes in Platoon, one of the more memorable ones being Charlie Sheen smoking pot out of the barrel of Elias's rifle. Sheen covered in blood and dirt, with the fire of hell in his eyes, shooting wildly at the enemy whilst screaming "Die you motherfuckers!" is also enjoyable. One might recognize the future Dr. Cox as a member of the platoon, sans the lengthy sarcastic tangents. Surprisingly, the presence of Johnny Depp does not detract from the film's manliness.
Platoon is not for the feint of heart. It is disturbing and graphic even by the standards of this list. It remains one of the best Vietnam movies to date, and really captures the horror and brutality of war in a way that makes the viewer think about the risk all warriors face- even you live, you might lose your soul.
Manly quote:
Sgt. Barnes: "You talking about killing? Hmm? Y'all experts? Y'all know about killing? I'd like to hear about it, potheads." [takes pipe and inhales drag] "Are you smoking this shit so's to escape from reality? Me, I don't need this shit. I am reality."
19. Conan The Barbarian (1982)
Manly actors: The Arnold, James Earl Jones
This is where it all began, folks. Conan The Barbarian was the Govenator's first feature film, and it has definitely stood the test(osterone) of time. Conan is born into a primitive fantasy world where no one ever bathes. His life is one of constant bloodshed, witnessing the razing of his village as just a wee lad. After this we see his transformation from an orphaned youngster to a mighty Viking warrior. Arnold's on-screen physique is at his best in Conan. This was about a decade after his bodybuilding days, but he still had to tone down his workout because his arms and chest were so huge that he couldn't wield a sword properly. Yes my friends, Conan is manly. So manly in fact, that someone else actually cries for him.
Conan's many battles feature Arnold slaying hordes of snake-worshiping fiends alongside his jaw-droppingly hot wife Valeria, whom he only speaks five words to the entire film. James Earl Jones also gives a superb performance as the creepy and evil Thoulsa Doom. Watch Conan and see if you can solve the Riddle of Steel!
Manly quote:
Mongol General: ".Conan, what is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"
18. The Shootist (1976)
Manly Actors: John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart
Here we have The Duke in his final Western epic. It was sad to see the greatest cowboy of them all in the twilight of his life, but The Shootist was a fitting end to his legacy. Set in 1901, Wayne stars as J.B. Books, an acclaimed gunfighter in his 60s who, after visiting a doctor friend of his (Stewart) is diagnosed with cancer (which is somewhat eerie, because it is rumored he had cancer in real life while filming this.). The dying Books must now come to terms with his past in the short time that he has left. Word soon spreads that the notorious shootist is in town and troublemakers begin showing up to make a profit off both his life and his death.
As you might expect, there are some pretty brutal shootings in this movie. But even though it was clear that Books was a man of questionable morals, Wayne refused to do a scene in which he shot a man in the back. Even as a bad guy, The Duke kept his sense of honor.
What makes The Shootist stand out is that it is not so much a traditional Western as it is a man reflecting on the end of his life. But is clear that it is not just Books who is dying. With the advent of telephones and electricity, it is Old West itself that is passing away. In the end, the man who epitomized the West died along with it. RIP Duke.
Manly quote:
Books: "I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them."
17. Blazing Saddles (1974)
Manly actors: Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder
Is Blazing Saddles violent? Not really. Is it filled with steroid-pumped leading men and explosions? Nope. Why is it here, you ask? Well for one thing, it both reinforces and mocks every stereotype known to man. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Mel Brooks' comedic masterpieceis the most politically incorrect movie ever made. In other words, the perfect comedy for your typical Arthur's Hall reader! Cleavon Little stars as a black sheriff appointment to a very small, very white town in the Old West (I think you can see where this is going.). He is nearly killed within minutes of entering the town, and the "n" word is used about 400 times in the course of the movie. But the ethnic hilarity is not confined to those who are brown. Germans, WASPs, Chinese, Irish, Indians and Jews are also mocked by Brooks (himself a Jew). All in good fun!
Blazing Saddles has some of the funniest lines that have ever appeared on film. There are simply too many to list here. There's also a fireside chili dinner which results in a cacophony of flatulence that will leave you rolling on the floor in laughter. Very male humor. Blazing Saddles was probably Mel Brooks' finest hour. Anyone who is not a soulless, cocksucking, P.C. whore will find something to like here.
Manly quote:
Mexican Bandit: "Badges? (laughing) We don't need no stinking badges."
16. Enter the Dragon (1973)
Manly actors: Bruce Lee, Bolo Yeung, Jim Kelly
The face of Kung-fu cinema Bruce Lee stars as a peaceful Shaolin student. Han, a former student of Lee's Shaolin temple, is suspected of being involved in a heroin/slavery ring, so Lee is sent to infiltrate his Bond-film style island fortress by means of a martial arts tournament being held there. Seriously, this place was stolen right out of The Man With The Golden Gun. Anyway, Lee is soon sneaking around the island, quietly and brutally dispatching Han's students as he searches for clues.
There are some spectacular fights in this movie. Lee swings his nunchuku with such hypnotic prowess that it's more mesmerizing than gazing at your iTunes visualizer after a mouthful of Psilocybe semilanceata. There's Lee's massively-afroed blaxploitation buddy Williams(Kelly), who bets on his own fights and steals police cars. Chinese bodybuilder (and former Mr. Hong Kong) Bolo Yeung makes his second appearance on the list as one of Han's murderous thugs. Lee eventually battles Han himself in hall of mirrors, making for one of the most memorable battles in martial arts cinema. The cheesy funkish music makes it even better. The whole film has 1970's written all over it.
Enter the Dragon is by and large one the best martial arts films ever produced, and Lee is just such an unbelievable badass that it would be heresy not to include this movie on the list. Sadly, Lee never lived to see finished product, as he died in post-production. This only increased the mystique of Bruce Lee, and secured his place in the pantheon of great action stars. It is a proven fact that men like kung-fu movies, and ETD is as good as they come.
Manly quote:
[Oharra throws a board in the air and smashes it with his fist]
Lee: "Boards don't hit back."
15. First Blood (1982)
Sly makes his first appearance on the list with the 1982 action classic First Blood, the first chapter in the infamous "Rambo" series. Stallone stars as Vietnam vet John J. Rambo. Alienated from the country that he fought so hard for, Rambo drifts from place to place, eventually ending up in jail where he is abused by a group of small town meathead cops. Why did they have to keep pushing him? Don't they know who this man is? Evidently not, because Rambo destroyed half their fucking town in revenge! He flees into the forest where, at one with wilderness, he slays the men sent to kill him as if it were as natural to him as drawing breath. He nearly takes out a helicopter with a rock, for heaven's sake.
So why did First Blood end up on the list rather than the later, more violent chapters in this series? Because Rambo is all alone in this movie. He has no friends, no one he can turn to except his former Colonel, who is pretty much powerless to help him. And in spite of the overwhelming odds and his deteriorating mental state, he owns everyone sent his way. The cops, the search dogs, even the National Guard can't stop this man. And despite his brutality, it is always clear that it is really Rambo who is the victim of a cruel and ungrateful society that did not appreciate the sacrifices he made.
Rambo was the original one-man army that later action films would imitate. In fact, it could be argued that First Blood triggered the wave of ridiculous action movies that swept the 1980s. The Rambo series is required viewing for all manly movie-goers. Now go pick up this movie and get ready to shed First Blood.
Manly quote:
Teasle: "Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?"
Trautman: "You send that many, don't forget one thing."
Teasle: "What?"
Trautman: "A good supply of body bags."
14. Goldfinger (1964)
Manly Actors: Sean Connery
James Bond is the original on screen alpha-male, and it is only natural that one of his films would make the list. Goldfinger is probably the best of the old-school Bond flicks, and features the best of the old-school Bonds; Sean Connery. The rugged Scotsman stars as the rugged Englishman sent to stop a manic tycoon from looting Fort Knox. There are plenty of things in this movie to love: Games of golf with terrorists, gold-painted corpses in hotel rooms, and a frightening Asian henchman who beheads fine works of art and crushes golf balls with his hands. I think you will agree that that is badassery of the highest degree. One of the more memorable scenes features bond finding a woman named "Pussy Galore" in his plane. Only with 007 does cool shit like that happen. Goldfinger obviously feels threatened by Bond's immeasurable manhood, so he attacks his most dangerous weapon of all; the one between his legs. Anyone who hasn't heard the phrase "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!" has probably been living under a rock for the past 40 years. Goldfinger is filled with hat-dodging goodness from beginning to end.
Manly quote:
Bond:[taps girl on the ass] "Run along now, man talk."
13. The Seven Samurai (1954)
Manly actors: I dunno, there's at least seven of them
Arguably Japanese filmmaker Akira Kurosawa's greatest work, The Seven Samurai is the Citizen Kane of Eastern cinema. Ittells the tale of remote Japanese village that is terrorized by bandits. The townspeople decide they've had enough, so they hire seven badass samurai to protect their village from the raid. The three and a half hour film is black and white and entirely in subtitles. Obviously, The Seven Samurai is not for everyone. But those who have an attention span greater than that of your typical tanorexic whore will be rewarded for their patience by the film's rich and engaging story. In many ways, The Seven Samurai is an "Eastern" Western. How many cowboy films have there been about a town about to be raided by bandits or Indians, and a group of outsiders comes to save the day? This is equally interesting a Japanese setting, and shows how two cultures (Feudal Japan and the Old West) which seem to have nothing in common are actually quite similar. Like the gunslingers of old, the reputation of the samurai precedes him. One villager is so terrified of the samurai's raging libidos that he cuts his daughter's hair to make her less attractive!
There is some top-notch common combat in this movie. Kurosawa was one of the first directors to employ slow-motion in action sequences. Kambei, the leader of the seven, shaves his head and disguises himself as a priest and kills a cowardly fuck who took a child hostage. Kikuchiyu, a mentally deranged warrior goes on wild rants and carries a sword that entirely too big for him, perhaps to compensate for never officially being dubbed a samurai.or something else (it's never addressed). Kyuzo, a grim-faced man of few words, personifies traditional samurai skills, frequently amazes his comrades with his bravery, and is probably the most badass character in the film. These three men and their companions helped a people who were used to being victimized to regain their dignity and learn to stand up for themselves. The Seven Samurai is an epic masterpiece, and those who have the patience to sit through it will enjoy it.
Manly quote:
Kyuzo: "Killed Two." [his first words after returning alone from the enemy camp]
12. The Godfather (1972)
Manly Actors: Marlon Brando, Al Pacino
While the Godfather may not be filled with explosions and steroids, it is manly in a different sort of way. Deception, honor, ambition and revenge are the primary themes of Francis Ford Cappola's Mafioso masterpiece.
The manly Marlon Brando stars Vito Corleone, the aging Don of the Corleone crime family. Vito epitomizes the manly ethos of the mob- benevolent and kind to those who show respect, and ruthless toward those who do not. When Vito refuses to offer protection to sleazy drug lord, an attempt is made on his life. Vito's son Michael (Pacino) never wanted to be a part of the family business, but after this he swears vengeance. The event triggers a series of assassinations and betrayals that threaten to escalate to an all-out mob war.
The film is filled with lovable moments, such as Vito smacking the wedding singer for being a crying pussy, or a Hollywood producer waking up to find his prized horse's severed head sitting next to him in bed. Then there's Michael's older brother beating the shit out of his sister's abusive husband- in front of a group of children, no less.
The Godfather's spectacular ending is one of the most famous in movie history, and is what really summarizes the manliness of this film. I'm not going to spoil anymore for you. Cancel whatever plans you had for the next three hours and get ready to kiss the ring.
Manly quote:
Luca Brasi: "Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child."
11. Spartacus (1960)
Do you like movies about gladiators? I may not be the child-molesting captain of a 7-47 carrying Leslie Nealson, but I am a big fan of this very manly sub-genre of historical epics! So grab yourself a big bowl of oysters and snails and get ready to enjoy the 1960 classic about the most famous gladiator of them all- Spartacus.
Born into slavery, Spartacus endures a life of abuse and hardship before being sold to a gladiator school. Spartacus, (played by Kirk Douglas, who is known primarily for his massive chin, although he's a pretty good actor as well) quickly learns that a life of a gladiator is a short and brutish one. Spartacus' master treats like an animal, which leads him to pound the floor of his cell while crying "I'm not an animal!", just to eliminate any confusion. One day his African friend Draba, whom a Patrician woman affectionately refers to as "the big black one", goes berserk and attacks the crowd. This leads to an all out revolt, which Spartacus assumes command of. The arrogant general Crassus begins a campaign against him, and is humiliated again and again. The thing about Crassus is that he actually playing for both sides, if you know I mean. You don't? Listen to his famous "oysters and snails" analogy and you'll understand. Not manly at all.
The violence in Spartacus is tame by today's standards, though back in the 60s it was pretty intense. But it's not so much the combat that makes this movie manly as it is the superb performances by each of the cast members. The best scene in the movie is when Crassus gives the captured slave army a choice. If Spartacus surrenders himself, his army will be spared. Just when Spartacus is about to stand up, someone in the distance yells that he is Spartacus. Then, another man does the same. Soon the whole army, unwilling to martyr their leader, is yelling "I am Spartacus!", It is a very powerful scene and words don't really do it justice. Spartacus brought the Roman Republic to its' knees, and inspired an amazing film in the process.
Manly quote:
Spartacus: "What's your name?"
Draba: "You don't want to know my name. I don't want to know your name."
Spartacus: "Just a friendly question."
Draba: "Gladiators don't make friends. If we're ever matched in the arena together, I have to kill you."
10. Fight Club (1999)
Manly actors: Ed Norton, Brad Pitt
No list of masculine movies would be complete without the 1999 cult phenomenon Fight Club. Ed Norton stars the unnamed Narrator, an insecure man who longs for something outside of his hollow existence. He attains this in the form of his friend Tyler Durden(Pitt), who embodies everything he is not. The two soon form an underground organization for disillusioned men like themselves: Fight Club. These frustrated individuals seek therapy from the monotony of daily life by beating the shit out of each other. Under the guidance of his charismatic mentor, the Narrator transforms himself from the repressed wimp that he's always been, to the bestial, confident alpha-male that he's always wanted to be.
This film was a huge wake-up call to those who were willing to listen. "You are not the contents of your wallet," says Durden, and he's right. Part of what Fight Club rallies against is the materialistic shallowness that so pervades our society. The Narrator surrounds himself with all the things he thought would make him happy, but it is not until he's freed from his possessions that he is truly alive. Fight Club addresses the continued pussification of the modern male, and society as a whole. The Narrator is an excellent example of the average chump who just goes through life doing what he thinks he's supposed to do and never taking any chances. Tylder Durden on the other hand is the Id, the part of our psyche that just wants to break free and tell the world to fuck off. That's why Fight Club has such a rabid following. We all have a Tyler Durden inside of us- the side of us that just doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. Everyone who watched this film was made into a better man for doing so. That's what Arthur's Hall is all about, and that's why it's on this list.
Manly quote:
Narrator: [while brutally beating Angel Face] "I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke."
9. Hard Boiled (1992)
Manly actors: Chow Yun-Fat, Tony Leung
Holy fucking crap. That's really about the only thing one can say after seeing this movie. I mean, I have seen action movies before, but this is just ridiculous. Action legend John Woo has his finest hour with Hard Boiled. Chow Yun-Fat stars as a tough-guy cop named Tequila (how cool is that!?) who is out to avenge the death of his partner. He teams up with an undercover mole in the Yakuza triad (Tony Leung), and together they blow Hong Kong to kingdom come. The film has been banned in several countries, and with good reason. Hard Boiled is 126 minutes of mind-bending violence, utilizing crazy camera angles and slow motion cinematography nearly a decade before The Matrix turned it into a cliché. These two renegade lawmen accumulate a body count of 230, and turn the wholesale slaughter of fellow human beings into an art form.
Hard Boiled's finest moment is undoubtedly when Tequila jumps out of an exploding building holding a gun in one hand while cradling a newborn babe with the other. Hard Boiled is the best action movie ever to come out of Hong Kong, and in terms of sheer adrenaline-shedding mayhem, it may be the best ever period.
Manly quote:
Superintendent Pang: "Give the guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God!"
8. Patton (1970)
Manly actors: George C. Scott
Now here was a real man's man for war. The craziest general of the Second World War sat calmly at his desk as bombs exploded overhead, men died by the hundreds at his command, and the Nazis quivered in fear at the mere mention of his name.
In the movie, General Patton is very hard on his troops, expecting nothing less than the best from them at all times. He emphasizes this point in his speech in the opening scene by saying, "You will not simply kill your enemy. You will rip out his heart, and use it to lubricate the wheels of your tank!" They didn't call him "Ol' Blood n' Guts" for nothing! And to top it off, he gave the entire speech in front of a gigantic American flag! Manly!
The rugged General's ego is also a critical factor in this movie. Patton was the biggest prima donna of war since Col. Custer. He believes in reincarnation, and that he fought in great battles of the past. His invasion of Sicily is inspired by those of the ancients, and his rivalry with Montgomery caused a lot of controversy, but the campaign was a huge success.
No, Patton didn't take any bull from anyone, and wasn't afraid to do what he felt was right. The scene in which he slaps the shit out of a shell-shocked soldier makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Patton was a perfect example of the kind of General we need now. If he were in command of our armed forces right now, the Iraqi war would be long since over, and he would have taken Iran and Syria too just for shits and giggles. He even says of the Russians, "If you give me ten days, I'll have a war with those sons of bitches, and I'll make it look like it was their fault!". You know you're a badass when all the carnage of WWII still isn't enough for you! Patton was a man's man, and the film that bears his name is essential viewing in the war movie genre.
Manly quote:
Patton: "Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."
7. Rocky IV (1985)
Manly actors: Sly, Carl Wethers, Dolph "I Must Break You" Lundgren
It was a given that there would be at least one Rocky movie on this list, but it's obvious that the manliest chapter in the series is numero quatro. The Italian Stallion and his entourage are all getting older, and it's clear that they need to start thinking about something beyond boxing. Apollo Creed's planet-sized ego is unable to accept this, and so he challenges the monstrous Ivan Drago (Lundgren) to a promotional fight in Vegas. After a snazzy intro by James Brown (RIP), Creed ends up getting killed by Drago's freight-train force punches. Predictably, Sly blames himself, and ends up challenging Drago.
One reason Rocky IV makes it onto the list is the fantastically cheesy soundtrack by timeless icons of rock like Survivor and Robert Tepper. The best part of the film is the training montage. Rocky is seen jogging in knee-high snow, chopping down trees and yelling barely intelligible words off mountaintops, and Drago is injected with roids and pumps iron, all while "Hearts of Fire" plays in the background!
The final fight is a clash of the civilizations as well as the beefcakes. East vs. West, America vs. Russia, Us vs. Them. That's another reason why Rocky IV is so manly- it's an unabashed patriotic propaganda piece. Rocky the capitalist pig emerges victorious of course, thus proving the superiority of Western civilization. I would argue that Rocky IV directly contributed to the downfall of the USSR and the US winning the Cold War. Come to think of it, I am a Poly Sci major, and that would make an interesting senior thesis. Hmm.
Manly Quote:
Apollo: "Well, I've been with the best, and I've BEAT the best! I've retired more men than Social Security!"
6. Jaws (1975)
Manly actors: Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw
Fishing is a manly pastime which most of us have enjoyed, but when's the last time you pulled in 3-ton shark? Just something to think about next time you're feeling like hot shit after reeling in a sunfish that wouldn't keep an Ethiopian on his feet for more than 5 minutes.
Here my friends, is a man's movie if there ever was one. When a massive Great White makes a snack out of some stupid drunk teenagers and an even stupider little kid, the summer businesses on Amity Island begin to suffer. A town meeting is held to decide what to do. It's because of capitalism, not that stupid kid's crying mother, that this beast must be stopped. Isn't America great? An crusty old seaman named Quint(Shaw) takes the job after making everyone's ears bleed with the aid of a chalkboard. He and the badass Roy Scheider and the not-so badass Richard Dreyfuss set out to slay the dragon of the deep. Jaws is filled with manly moments; three tough guys out at sea, drinking beer, comparing scars and hunting a monstrous man-eating shark. What's not to like? The film's finale is a heart-pounding battle of man vs. shark, and I have a feeling that Arnold flashed Sheider an approving smile while looking down from Valhalla.
Manly quote:
Brody: "Smile you son of BITCH!" [fires gun in shark's gaping mouth]
5. Gladiator (2000)
Manly actors: Russel Crowe, the black guy, that big German dude
Why another film about the Romans? Because the Romans were simply the most badass civilization of the ancient world (next to the Spartans of course, but more on that later.). They conquered most of the known world and ruled it for close to 1000 years, so it's only natural that they would inspire a multitude of manly movies in the future. At the height of its glory, the Empire began a downward spiral from which, despite the efforts of the great emperor Marcus Aurelius, it never recovered. This is where Ridley Scott's Gladiator begins.
The emperor is dying, and it has come time for him to choose an heir. Everyone expects that he will name his son Commodus (Joquein Pheonix, aka that dork with the tin foil on his head from Signs). But since Commodus is a sadistic incestuous fucktard, he wisely chooses the brave and manly Maximus instead. His name alone qualifies him for the job, but it is his virtue and piety that make him stand out to the emperor. Commodus, out of jealousy, kills everyone and usurps the throne. Maximus manages to escape only to find that his family has been killed, and he is captured and sold into slavery as a gladiator. Maximus, though defeated, vows revenge.
The combat scenes in Gladiator are nothing short of spectacular. The opening battle with the flaming Germanians is great, but it is in the arena that Maximus truly shows his skill with the gladius (that's "sword" for you non Latin-speaking barbarians). He kills everything from chariot teams and tigers, to some really buff guy who is the closest thing the Romans had to Arnold in their day.
Maximus was probably the manliest Roman since the great general Gnaeus Manlius (he's real, seriously!). If you consider yourself a connoisseur of manly cinema, make it your business to see Gladiator at least once.
Manly quote:
Maximus: (after hurling a sword at the crowd) "Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?"
4. Commando (1985)
Manly Actors: Arnold
This movie is so absurd and ridiculously violent, that it may be the most unintentionally hilarious action movie ever made. Recent studies have shown that 7/10 viewers of Commando experienced increased muscle growth, elevated levels of aggression and an inexplicable urge to purchase an F-150. It would be prudent to keep a Quilted Northern roll nearby to mop up all the testosterone that will be leaking out of your TV while watching this.
When ex-marine John Matrix(Arnold)'s daughter is kidnapped by a would-be dictator, he takes the notion of a "one-man army" to a whole new level. Matrix jumps out of planes, tosses a dozen security guards off him as if they were flies, and drives a bulldozer into gun store so that he can steal automatic weapons. Do I really need to explain anymore? For God's sake, he kills 81 people in this film, many of them with his bare hands.
Matrix's immeasurable masculinity is contrasted by the least intimidating bad guy ever; Bennett. Bennett is a small, mustached, probably gay madman who wears a chain mail shirt.yeah. Again, unintentional hilarity.
There's really no point in describing the fights in this movie. It's like trying to describe a rainbow to Ray Charles. The funniest one though is Matrix's final battle against Bennett, in which he impales him with a pipe, causing steam to shoot out of the tank behind him. Matrix smiles and suggests that he "Let off some steam,".
Commando is by far one the manliest movies ever made, and I considered giving it the # 1 spot, but don't worry, you won't be disappointed with my final choice. In the meantime, if you ever find yourself doubting your manhood, pick up a copy of Commando and my guess is that within a few hours you will see yourself on the cover of FLEX magazine, with no memory of how you got there.
Manly quote:
Cooke: "You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass."
Matrix: "I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry."
Cindy: "I can't believe this macho bullshit."
3. Braveheart (1995)
Manly actors: Mel Gibson, etc.
Braveheart tells the story of 13th century Scotsman peasant named William Wallace(Gibson). He is apathetic about the English occupation of Scotland and just wants to live a quiet life. He marries a girl in his village and is happy for a time, but this ends abruptly when his wife is murdered by English soldiers. As you might expect, Wallace goes absolutely ape-shit and kills most of the soldiers himself, inspiring a revolution in the process. The battle scenes are superb, featuring faces getting smashed with maces, horses impaled on lances and arrows getting lodged into bare Scottish asses.
While all the films on this list are manly, Mel Gibson's Braveheart has something that most of them lack: passion. Braveheart has more raw emotion in it than any other film on this list, and I am not ashamed to say it brought a tear to my eye (which is probably why it stands out so much to me, as this was the first time such a thing had ever happened.).
Gibson, being the master filmmaker that he is, perfectly balances the tragic and serious moments with light-hearted and funny ones. The scene where Edward Longshanks hurls his effeminate son's gay lover out the window is a belly laugh and a half. Braveheart is not simply a typical "guy's movie" that's high on the action and low on the plot. There is real depth here. If you didn't feel inspired by Wallace's speech before their first battle, then you don't have a pulse. In fact, it was so inspirational that upon its release it sparked a whole new movement for Scottish independence in the UK.
I believe it is fair to say that Braveheart is simply one of the greatest motion pictures ever made. Even the pussies in Hollywood recognized this and gave it the Oscar the Best Picture. In conclusion- a masterpiece. No film collection, manly or not, is complete without it.
Manly Quote:
Soldier: "William Wallace is seven feet tall!"
William Wallace: "Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse!"
2. 300 (2007)
Manly actors: Gerard Butler, David Wenham, and 298 others
Um, (nervous laughter).does anyone have an extra pair of pants? Yes my friends, it's THAT good. Released just a few weeks ago as I write this, 300 is a film adaptation of Frank Miller's popular graphic novel. It tells the story of the epic battle of Thermopylae of 480 BC, in which 300 Spartans and their allies, though vastly outnumbered, valiantly defended Western Civilization, choosing death over surrender.
The premise is simple enough. The massive Persian Empire, under the command of the fruity god-king Xerxes, wishes to invade Greece and add it to its' massive territory. The Persians give the choice of surrender or annihilation to each of the Greek city-states. King Leonidas realizes that the Athenians (or, as he calls them, a bunch of "philosophers and boy-lovers") have already refused their offer. Not to be outdone, he slays the Persian emissaries on the spot. The Spartan council, being the wusses that they are, refuse to send troops to fight, so Leonidas takes 300 of his best men and leads them away without the council's permission. His plan is to secure a foothold at the small mountain pass of Thermopylae ("The Hot Gates"). Xerxes' army, numbering in the millions, will only be able to send through a few troops at time, effectively neutralizing their numerical advantage.
The film bombards you with manly imagery from the moment it begins. We see a brief synopsis of Leonidas' childhood, taken from home at the age of 7 to learn how to kill (the standard Spartan custom). We see his transformation into a Spartan warrior, being tied to a tree and flogged, then sent into the wilderness to fend for himself (also Spartan customs). There is little doubt that Leonaidas was the manliest man of his time. While 300 isn't really historically accurate, this does not detract from its' quality.
The battle scenes in 300 are arguably the best of any "swords and sandals" epic thus far. It is extremely violent, with exaggerated bloodshed and gore like the comic it is based on. What really makes the viewer feel like he or she is in the graphic novel is the outlandish costumes and the enemies thrown at the Spartans. These guys fight everything from rhinos and grenade-tossing A-rabs to Xerxes' personal guard, who look more like orcs than human beings. It's all the more impressive because the Spartans are fighting practically naked. Seriously, there are so many ripped, scantly clad men in this film that it borders on the homoerotic. But they are still manly as hell compared to Xerxes, who is proof that the metrosexual movement predates the 1990s by several millennia. The film makes frequent use of slow motion to capture the subtle nuances of the Spartan's masterful swordplay, but it is never overdone.
I simply cannot stress how amazing this film is. 300 really managed to bring the story of the Thermopylae to life and is definitely the manliest movie of 2007 thus far. On a related note, it has offended many Iranians, who say that it paints a negative picture of their culture. If the towel-heads hate it, it must be good!
Why are you still reading this? Go, see it now, and then see it again, and pray that you can one day be half as manly as the warriors of the 300.
Manly quote:
Persian: "The thousand nations of the Persian Empire descend upon you! Our arrows will blot out the sun."
Stelios: "Then we will fight in the shade."
1. Predator (1987)
Manly actors: Arnold (again!), Jesse Ventura, and many others
Do I even need to explain this one? While there have been many manly movies over the years, none of them serve up a concoction of testosterone quite as potent as that of the 1987 sci-fi classic, Predator. Let's add up the factors: First of all, you have Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Apollo Creed and The Arnold IN THE SAME MOVIE. That alone should tell you something. I mean, if these three were dressed as ballerinas and baked cookies with Richard Simmons for 90 minutes, it would still be manlier than most of the crap that Commiewood churns out. They find themselves dropped into the jungle along with a squad of other well-muscled camouflaged dudes supposedly to rescue hostages from a group of butt-fucking Third World terrorists, but all is not as it seems.
After what is probably the most mind-blowing gun battle this side of Rambo, the men (Under the leadership of Arnold as the stogie-smoking Col. Dutch) find themselves being hunted by an otherworldly creature known simply as the Predator. The violence is brutal and over the top- if you ever see this playing on SpikeTV or something, turn it off and go rent the DVD. As with most good films, it is edited for content and simply cannot be appreciated in all its glory on cable. One by one, the Predator finds ever more inventive ways to slaughter the company of soldiers, until only the mighty Dutch remains. After meticulous preparation, Dutch, covered in mud and torch in hand- in what is without a doubt the manliest moment in cinematic history- utters a primal roar at the top of his lungs, challenging the Predator to face him. This leads to a one on one confrontation, which, logically, ends in a mushroom cloud and Arnold standing shirtless as the chopper comes to rescue him.
As good as the combat scenes are (and trust me, they are among the best), it is the appalling quotes that really make this movie. Within the first few minutes, Jesse Ventura sets the tone for the dialogue of the film by offering chew to his comrades. When they refuse, he politely chastises them by letting them know that they're all a "Bunch a slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you a goddamned sexual tyrannosaurs, just like me!" But it doesn't stop there. Check out this small sampling of Predator's ingenious dialogue:
Poncho: "You're bleeding, man."
Blain: "I don't got time to bleed."
Dutch: "If it bleeds, we can kill it."
Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."
[Billy stares blankly]
Hawking: "See, cuz of the echo."
*sigh*.such eloquence. Seldom have more noble words been spoken. Predator, with its gunfire, witty banter and non-stop nicotine usage is from beginning to end a festival of masculinity. In fact, there is only one woman in the entire film. Surprisingly, she survives, and one can only assume that Arnold banged her promptly upon his return to base. For this reason among others, Predator is without question THE MANLIEST FILM OF ALL TIME.
There you have it! I hope you enjoyed reading this list as much as I enjoyed writing it. Now go buy some chew, pick up one of these movies and swap those ovaries for a pair of nuts!
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