THE UNIFORM CODE OF FEMALE JUSTIFICATION (UCFJ)
Finally - a Scientific Standard for Rating Female Attractiveness

This article is named "Uniform Code of Female Justification". It is modeled, at least by name, on the Uniform Code of Military Justice or the UCMJ. This article is meant to give all Viking men a single and measurable standard on which to judge women. We all know guys who will say, "Hey, that chick is a seven", yet he is not that interested, and yet another one who says "Yuck, she is a four" and he takes her home. Why is this? Some would say that these discrepancies are due to alcohol, and in the past I might agree. But now I have designed a scale to judge all women on, regardless of the level of inebriation. First, though, I feel like I have to explain why this list is critical to mankind...read on.

The history of scoring women based on attractiveness is as old as mankind itself. Our primitive ancestors did it, our forefathers did it, and so do we. Whether we like to admit it or not, men are primarily attracted to women based on outward appearance and presentation. While this fact is universal, what is not universal is what different men are attracted to. Some men like boobs, some men like a big firm ass, while others like the pretty face. In other words, there is no solution to codifying attractiveness based on the woman. It is truly a moving target. I could think that a woman is hot and to you she is not at all, and vice versa. The only way to unify a code is to have a universal scale that is individualized to each man.

The History of Arthur and Shatner's Scales
Shatner and I have used two different scales in our long history of scoring women... well in his case not scoring. but whatever. The first scale was the Clydesdale Kegs Scale. And yes, it was that complicated. The Clydesdale's were adopted for their ability to pull things... in other words the number of Clydesdale's it would take to pull you off of the chick was the number she was assigned. For example..."Hey man what do you think?". "She is a four Clydesdale". The Kegs end was easy...how many kegs would it take for you to get in bed with her... simple.

We have also used what is known as the Jones Scale. The Jones Scale is easy to understand... Star Jones is a zero and Catherine Zeta-Jones is a ten... virtually everyone else falls somewhere between. The truth of the matter is that Catherine Zeta-Jones is not a ten to everyone... I can't imagine why, but I guess some men do like diseased tanorexic smoking whores. Strangely enough, Star Jones is probably not as low as it can go. hey fat chicks need lovin too. Scratch that. no they don't. So as you can see a uniform code is needed to clear up all the confusion and finally give us a way to fully comprehend what others mean when they say "She is a five dude"... and it is the UCFJ.

The Uniform Code of Female Justification
The basis for the UCFJ is sexual attractiveness. Using my code will make life much easier for all the single men out there. I will give you an example. Let's say you and a friend at a local watering hole surveying the prey, and your friend sees a woman he thinks is hot. She did not come alone which means she is with a friend. Of course that means you are about to become wingman. You say to your friend "Dude, she is a six man"... which in your head means she is highly questionable. But on his scale six could be a sure thing, so you telling him that she was a six will inevitably result in you taking the grenade. I don't know about you, but I do not want to be left at Iwo Jima taking a fat ass grenade, and I don't want to do that to a friend (most of the time)... so here is the solution. A code that is the same for all men... women will fit differently on the scale depending on the man but the number will have a definite meaning. Well men...here we go.

The scale is a standard 10-point scale with zero being the lowest of the low and ten being the hottest of the hot. The true genius of the UCFJ is the standardization of the scores... at last there will be no questions about where women fit on the scale.

The number is self explanatory, while the definition (in bold) is ultimately the judgment. To make this scale work you must throw away your old scale. Remember, on this scale a five is not an average girl... in fact a five is a pretty decent one. Like I said. a girl could be a five to me, and to you she may be a three, but at least now we know what that means and ultimately what we would do...

ZERO - NO FUCKING CHANCE!
The zero is a woman who you would not want to get near, talk to, smell or any other unmentionable thing. Beware these whores are everywhere and they know they are zeros, so watch out men. They tend to lure men in with jiggling fat rolls and big hoop earrings. Don't be fooled. Typically they are covered in boils that look strangely like pressure spots. It is not hard to imagine that she acquires these pressure spots sitting in front of Jerry Springer eating Ding Dongs. So if you say a girl is a zero, that means that you would not slip her the Viking even if she were the last woman on Earth.

ONE - NO WAY DUDE !
This species does not differ considerably from their ugly brethren, the infamous zero. While a zero is almost always a big fat chick, a one could be either a big fat chick or a chick with a mangled grill. Generally speaking a one should be untouchable but this is not always true... a man who is properly hammered could conceivably allow a One to perform degrading acts of sexual desperation... but will always regret it.

TWO - FUCK YOU MAN... WELL MAYBE IF I BLACKOUT!
That's right...we are getting into the gray area now. This is a chick who less than ok but not hideous. Nothing horrible, nothing special... drab hair, average clothes... in other words a plain Jane. A two is a chick that no one would try to get anywhere with, and certainly would not do it sober. But if you have drained over a fifth of a vodka and she cornered you in the room. you would do it. In the case of our two previous women you would rather punch them that let them touch you. but the Two... "Maybe no one will see"... and besides you won't remember anyway... Ha, Ha!

THREE - YOU OWE ME AND YOU BETTER GRAB ME A TRIPLE!
A Three is a chick that you certainly need to get geared up for. When I say "geared up" I mean a lot of manly Viking vodka (the only Viking hard liquor by the way). You should be slurring your speech and stumbling around like a retard, when you have accomplished that. you are ready for the Three. The difference between the Two and the Three is that after a night with the Two you may have to be placed on suicide watch. A Three... not really. It certainly was not a pretty sight but you are not exactly scarred for life either. The end result of taking the Three is that your friend will thank you and he will feel that he owes you the same in return sometime.

FOUR - ITS CLOSING TIME AND I AM HORNY AND LONELY!
Yep... that chick. We have all been there before, you set your sights high and crashed and burned. Now with a $100 bar tab and no luck you resort to the closing time look around. You see a few women... the fives and over have five men clinging to them like leeches, while the four is sitting there staring at you. At first, you say "I can do better"... then the clock ticks on and with every second she looks just a bit better. You slam your last shot of Stoli and head over there. The nice thing about the Four is she WILL take you up on your offer... so you do, and she does.

FIVE - NO DRINKS NECESSARY!
A Five is a chick you would sleep with sober with nary a regret. But a Five is not one that you would actively pursue. In other words, if you just walked into a bar and she approached you and said "Let's go now" you would just leave... no drink needed. She would not have been your first choice but considering that it took no effort, it is a pretty good score. No effort should be expended on the Five other than slamming your purple helmeted Viking into her fjord.

SIX - NICE BRO!
A six should be a girl who is fairly attractive. This is where presentation starts to matter. A six should be a girl who catches your eye a bit. A six is not to die for certainly but approaching her and telling her some lies would certainly be worth the trouble. In other words, the difference between the Five and the Six is with the Six you are willing to put a bit of effort to score. With a Six on your arm you should not expect to get dirty looks from other men. but you will get some sort of acknowledgment for your accomplishment. So when you see one of your boys grabbing a Six... give him a nod and a big thumbs up!

SEVEN - YOU WENT OUT WITH HER?
A seven is a chick that you will go out with and not feel any sort of trepidation or shame. She is not a trophy necessarily but most men would agree that she is some good work. A seven is someone who you would take out, buy her dinner, listen to her female nonsense and then close. She also could develop into a girlfriend or a friend with benefits depending on your preference. A Seven is where you begin to see some outstanding features but a Seven will have just one of the following... a huge beautiful rack, a perfect ass, or an angelic face. Keep in mind though... when with a Seven you will still be looking at the Eights and Nines... but most of the time you decide it is not worth the trouble. To me the Seven is the perfect girlfriend... not so hot that you think you are in over your head, but hot enough to hold your attention.

EIGHT - DO YOU THINK SHE LIKES ME?
An Eight is a chick that stresses you out. You sit up at night and wonder "Is she really into me?". This is where you start to get in over you head a bit. This is also where your friends start to hate on you. That's right... with the Eight you become a wimp. Your buddies call and get no answer... you are strangely missing from the gym, and the worst part of all of it is that you are enjoying yourself. An Eight has two of the following three things a woman can offer... perfect boobs, a plump firm ass or a model-like face. You have decided that the chick is hot enough to sell out for... not a good thing, but we have all done it before. The correct approach to an Eight is to make her think that you are selling out for her, but in reality you are pulling a Clinton... lying through your fucking teeth. Many men have gone down this road and decided it wasn't worth it... the damn woman demanded too much of you and you decided to grab a Six or a Seven and make your life easier.

NINE - FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
That's right... you pull a Nine and the only thing your friends have to say about it is "Fuck you asshole". These chicks are few and far between. They have all three traits a woman can have, and your friends hate you for it. The truth is you have no clue how you pulled this one off... you just got lucky it seems. It is also true that there is nothing that you can do to keep her around... she can have anything she wants and often is using you as a boy toy or someone to keep her company after her breakup with a stud like me. A Nine is a chick that you will basically do anything for and she does nothing for you. Here is a sample conversation between you and a Nine - Nine: "Could you go down on me?" You: "Of course... wanna trade?"...Nine: "Ha, Ha...I don't do that, it is gross" You: "Ok, fine". She owns you and you know it... it is not all bad though, at least you will have something to think about when you are spanking it in the nursing home fifty years from now.

-arthur@arthurshall.com