THE ARTHUR'S HALL GUIDE TO MANLY TOBACCO USE

The tobacco plant ( Nicotiana tabacum)

My name is Dr. Harlan K. Upmann, and I'd like to talk to the readers of Arthur's Hall about tobacco. The primarily reason for using tobacco is to obtain a wonderful chemical called nicotine, which occurs naturally in tobacco leaves (Figure 1). Some of the many documented benefits of nicotine include improved reaction time, better short-term memory recall, and a reduced risk of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease. The use of tobacco is also highly enjoyable, provides a nice pick-me-up during the day, and a pleasant way to unwind and relax at the end of the day (especially when paired with whiskey, the manliest of all beverages). Using tobacco is also a great way to meet and socialize with other like-minded tobacco users. There is a common brotherhood that binds tobacco users together, which provides pleasant social interaction.

As you may be aware, there is a group of people called the "anti-tobacco lobby" that wants to restrict, or even take away your adult right to enjoy tobacco. Their evil tentacles are spreading throughout society, and in some states and countries they have successfully banned smoking in all bars and taverns, despite the wishes of the adults that own and frequent these establishments.

The self-righteous shit-heads in the anti-tobacco lobby do not think you are smart enough to make your own decisions regarding your own health. Their main strategy is to sue the tobacco companies on behalf of people that are too stupid to realize that cigarettes are bad for them (more on that later), in an attempt to put the companies out of business, thus eliminating the livelihood that many hard-working Americans depend on. The best way to oppose the anti-tobacco lobby is by using tobacco, and using it proudly.

By now, I'm sure I've convinced you to use tobacco, if you don't already. As readers of this site, you would probably like to use a tobacco product that is considered "manly" or "macho." For your benefit, I've provided this discussion of various tobacco products, so you can make an informed and responsible choice. I've assigned each tobacco product a manliness rating, from 0 (least manly) to 10 (most manly).

Cigarettes.
Manliness Rating = 0.5

A typical cigarette smoker.

Cigarettes are the most popular tobacco product in America, particularly among tanorexic women and metrosexuals (Figure 2). Cigarettes are to be avoided! With cigarettes, the nicotine is obtained through the lungs, by inhaling the smoke. Unfortunately, along with the nicotine, you are also sucking in tar and other nasty chemicals that are added to cigarette tobacco. Inhaling cigarette smoke harms your lungs and decreases their ability to absorb oxygen, thus draining away your manly strength and endurance. And if you smoke cigarettes your whole life, you have a very high risk of getting lung cancer or emphysema, diseases that are virtually incurable! Cigarette smoke smells bad, and makes you smell bad. If you currently use cigarettes and consider yourself a man, it's time to switch to a different tobacco product, for the sake of your health AND your manliness.

Cigars
Manliness rating = 5.0

Bill Clinton, the 42 nd President of the United States .

Cigars are not the preferred way to smoke tobacco, but they are far more acceptable than cigarettes. I feel no shame in admitting to smoke an occasional cigar. With cigars, the tobacco smoke is not inhaled, but simply puffed into the mouth, so the precious nicotine is absorbed into the mouth tissue. The major downside to cigars is that they are phallus-shaped, and make you look like you've got a big brown cock in your mouth. Second-hand cigar smoke is fairly noxious, and the high cost of quality cigars is cost-prohibitive to many people. There are very manly men that use cigars that you may admire (i.e. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood). However, cigars are also the preferred tobacco product of men of questionable character: politicians and golfers, for example (Figure 3). Nevertheless, it is quite possible to enjoy cigars and keep your manliness (and your health) intact.

Snus
Manliness rating = 6.5

Swedish Snus

Snus is a tobacco product that is commonly used in Scandinavia , but is little known elsewhere (Figure 4). Snus is similar to moist snuff (dip), except it is placed under the upper lip, and doesn't require the need to expectorate (spit). Snus use is high in Sweden; approximately 1 out of every 10 Swedes use it (both men and women). However, Sweden has the lowest rate of tobacco-related illnesses in Europe .

In short, snus is one of the most efficient, discrete, and safest ways to get nicotine. Many people choose snus because it doesn't require you to expectorate, but this obviously decreases its manliness rating. But if you currently smoke cigarettes, and find that chewing or dipping tobacco is unacceptable for your lifestyle, then you should consider snus as an alternative. Snus is generally not available in stores outside of Scandinavia; however, several companies offer snus over the internet, and at very affordable prices.

Pipes
Manliness rating = 7.0

Theoretical physicist Albert Einstein

If you choose to smoke tobacco, using a pipe is the preferred method, and pipe tobacco is my preferred tobacco product. Similar to cigars, the tobacco smoke is puffed into the mouth, and the nicotine is absorbed through the mouth. If you are lucky enough to live in a town with a high-quality tobacco shop, you will be amazed by the quality and selection of pipe tobaccos, which are generally available at very reasonable prices.

A good pipe tobacco is delicious, and the aroma of pipe smoke is pleasant, even to most non-smokers. There is very little in this world that is more enjoyable than partaking in a pipeful of tobacco and a glass of scotch at the end of the day. Pipe smokers are generally considered intelligent and refined, but not pompous or egotistical. They may not be muscle-bound manly men (such as our friend Arthur), but pipe-smoking men have been behind some of mankind's greatest academic and intellectual heavy-lifting (Figure 5).

If you're interested in trying pipe smoking, I recommend picking up a used pipe on E-bay. There are hundreds available, and a used high-quality pipe need not cost more than $20. Then take a trip to your local tobacconist, who will be pleased to help you select a tobacco and show you how to get the most enjoyment out of your new pipe.

Chewing (or smokeless) Tobacco
Manliness Rating = 9.5

A pouch of chewing tobacco

Chewing tobacco is the undisputed king of manly tobacco products. This product receives a very high manly rating because it requires the user to expectorate. Most women find spitting repulsive, which is a big part of what makes it so manly. Men that have manly professions, such as construction workers and cowboys rely on chewing tobacco to obtain nicotine. The most prominent varieties of smokeless tobacco include loose-leaf chewing tobacco and dip.

Chewing Tobacco
Chewing tobacco is shredded tobacco leaves that have been cured and flavored (Figure 6). The use of chewing tobacco is relatively self-explanatory; you simply put a big wad in one side of your mouth and chew on it. Chewing tobacco doesn't contain as much nicotine as dip, but it produces much more spit. Chewing tobacco has other benefits, as well. Here's what our friend Jesse Ventura said about chewing tobacco in the film Predator : "This shit will turn you into a sexual Tyrannosaurus Rex!" While this has not been scientifically proven, I have generally found this statement to be true in my own experience.

Copenhagen and Skoal, two popular brands of dip.

Moist Snuff (Dip)
Being avid readers of a website dedicated to manliness, I doubt that you need an explanation of dip. However, for the benefit of the more emasculated readers of Arthur's Hall, please bear with me.

Dip is flavored, ground-up tobacco that comes in a round can (Figure 7). Typically, a pinch of dip is placed in the lower lip. Dip doesn't produce the amount of spit that chewing tobacco does; however, it contains very high amounts of nicotine. Therefore, my analysis concludes that chewing tobacco and dip have the same manliness rating.

Nasal Snuff
Manliness rating = 10.0

Nasal Snuff

Nasal snuff is dried, powered tobacco that is inhaled into the nose (Figure 8). Typically, a pinch is placed between the thumb and index figure, and then snorted into one nostril. The nicotine is absorbed into the blood stream through the membranes of the nasal cavity. Nasal snuff was very popular in the 19 th century, but has fallen out of favor in the present day. Today, the major users of snuff tend to be crusty old fisherman, and other such salty dogs.

First time snuff users tend to have a very negative reaction, which includes violent sneezing, a burning sensation in the nose and throat, and an extreme runny nose. If you can tolerate these symptoms, and actually enjoy this stuff, then you may consider yourself the manliest of manly men. Nasal snuff is difficult to find, but can be found on the internet (along with everything else on God's green earth).

I hope this article has enlightened you about the use (and manliness) of tobacco products, and will help you make responsible choices about choosing the right tobacco product for you. I frequently take time from my studies to peruse the forum of the great Hall of Arthur, and would appreciate hearing about your experiences with tobacco.

Your friend,
Dr. Harlan K. Upmann