WANG DANG SWEET POONTANG:
The Ted Nugent Story

That's right folks, I am back!! This article is “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”..yeah, you guessed it an entire article about the man, the myth and the legend, TED NUGENT!! I feel like I have to tell you, my loyal readers, about this All-American Viking. I will admit that the Nuge's music is not my favorite, I tend to like my music a bit faster and more complex but that does not take away from the greatness of the “Motor City Madman”. If you don't know why he is so great… read on.

Musical Career
Ted Nugent began his career in a widely unknown band known as the Amboy Dukes. While they were never popular they did give Ted the chance to be the front man and his personality and charisma soon gave him the platform to start his solo career with a small, buy loyal fan base already in place. His first release, “ Ted Nugent” was a smashing success with the song, “Stranglehold”, which is still his best effort, in my Viking opinion. Ted Nugent went multi-platinum and “The Nuge” was born. His shows were extravagant and his style was unmistakable. On this tour he began to dress as a caveman (dressing as a caveman is definitely manly) and this record would contain the classic songs Cat Scratch Fever and Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. Here are the lyrics from this song and I would say not many songs are manlier that this.

That Nadine, what a teenage queen.
She lookin' so clean, especially down in between; what I like. (seems like he was ahead of his time on this one, I would imagine that many women in the 1970s were not “clean” down there!!)

She come to town; she be foolin' around,
a puttin' me down as a rock-and-roll clown. It's all right.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

Wang dang, what a sweet poontang, (is he really talking about a poontang?? Holy Shit!!)
a shakin' my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell.

She's so sweet when she yanks on my meat. (Yanks on my meat!! This guy certainly has no respect for societal rules when talking about women)
Down on the street you know she can't be beat. What the hell.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

That's what I am talking about..no need to pull punches or try to be metaphoric, just tell it how it is. You have to respect a man who talks about banging chicks without any attempt at artistic virtue. He later went on to be part of Damn Yankees (a 70s burnout “super-group” the included former members of Styx and Night Ranger, if my Viking memory serves me correctly) that was quite successful. This gave him the financial stability to do what he does best… Killing Animals with high-powered weapons of course.

Ted Nugent's Activism
Based on his music alone Ted is quite the man but it is his conservative activism and bombastic attitude that makes him worthy of enshrinement into the Arthur's Hall Viking Hall of Fame. This guy is all man and here are just some of reasons why. In 1999, he had planned a bear hunt in Canada. Sadly, bear season was canceled by the local officials, at which time Nugent swore never to return to Canada. Sidenote: anyone who bashes Canada and vows never to go there is my kind of dude. Ted has also served in the Board of Directors of the NRA since 1995 and is its most outspoken member. His most famous speech is known as “Get Hardcore”… below is a sample of the speech. If I were going to write a “Ten Manliest Speeches in Modern History” it would have an excellent chance of being #1.

"Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em! To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em."

Wow Ted, I could not have said it better myself. Of course Ted would not be able to hear me say that, as he is almost deaf from the combination of his out of control wailing on the guitar and his propensity to shoot guns as often as possible. The hearing that he does have was preserved by the shell casings that he wore as earplugs onstage. The dude wears shell casings as earplugs!! That is like using bacon grease to cook eggs with… manly and resourceful! He also has a great stance on feminists “What's a feminist anyway? A fat pig who doesn't get it enough?” I have to say that I agree 100% with that one. On Gun Control, “Only a coward supports gun control. You know how to stop carjacking? Shoot the carjacker. If someone is going to kill me for my Buick, I'm going to shoot until I am out of ammo… then I will call 911”. I think it so funny that liberals somehow think that gun ownership amongst law-abiding citizens leads to crime, they just don't understand how the threat of lethal force can be the best deterrent. This is great Ted on Vegetarians “Vegetarians are cool, All I eat is vegetarians except for the occasional mountain lion steak”. I think this guy should be the president of the North American Meat Organization

One of the great things about Ted is that he draws the ire of emo-listening liberals everywhere. In a display that could only be called feminine bitching, some faggot ska band has a song called “Fuck Ted Nugent”. Are you serious? Well, of course, they may be. It would not surprise me at all if some ska ass pluggers wanted to get a piece of a protein eating man like Ted, Lord knows they don't have many of those in the gay orgyfest of ska music.

Political Aspirations
As you should know from reading “The Ten Manliest Men of Modern Times”, using your celebrity to grab political power is the ultimate form of manliness. Ruling over people is the penultimate aspiration for any man. Ted seriously considered running for Governor of Michigan in 2006. He did not run but he is planning on running in 2010. Put me on that campaign team now... I could only imagine the fund raising banquets...meat everywhere, preferably of the “endangered species” flavor. Awesome! Ted Nugent is simply a man above reproach. From rock star to NRA activist to political candidate this man has blazed a path for all of us, one where talking shit about killing animals, shooting criminals and degrading liberals is not only acceptable but mandatory. Rock on Ted!!

-arthur@arthurshall.com