THE 10 MANLIEST VIDEO GAMES OF ALL TIME

I had a discussion with Arthur the other day regarding the question "are video games manly?" While wasting your life away on a couch playing video games isn't as manly as killing small animals for food, or going to war against the forces of tyranny, we decided that in the end, video games are a manly form of entertainment.

First of all, video games are often best enjoyed simultaneously with other manly activities such as chewing and drinking. Video games are also widely shunned by the female population, thus making them a sort of rebellion against our female oppressors. Most importantly, video games foster traditional male competitiveness. I would venture to say that if you can't be out on the battlefield or football field laying waste to your adversaries, playing games is a nice substitution. Video games, as they currently exist, are a competitive and largely male dominated pastime. And thus, they are indeed manly.

What is it that defines a game as manly? There are a number of factors at work here: the level of manly violence the game depicts and challenge are perhaps the most important. Apart from that, a game's historical significance or ability to foster competition can also be big factors in deciding which games are manly. I have attempted here to assemble a list of manly games for the ages.

Some of you will no doubt disagree with my picks, which is fine. I realized after making the list that I have an apparent 8-bit bias. I would defend that by pointing out that the 8-bit era was when video games took their current form as manly entertainment, but it was also the era that introduced in-game graphics that were good enough to properly depict manly violence. Still, I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the 8-bit era covered my most formative years growing up. So yeah, I'm biased. So what! The main point here is to illuminate one of America's manliest forms of entertainment, and perhaps turn a few of you on to these delightfully manly games.

#10: Pro Wrestling
System: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developer: Nintendo
Year of Release: 1986

Pro Wrestling was released in 1986 making it one of the very first games for the NES system in North America, and thus making it the first professional wrestling games that most people became familiar with. While Pro Wrestling didn't use licensed wrestlers from the WWF or WCW, it had a colorful cast of characters with unique moves such as the acrobatic Mexican wrestler "Starman", the cheating monster from South America "The Amazon", the Japanese grappler "Fighter Hayabusa", and the Rick Flair clone "King Slender".

What's manly about this game? First of all it is a groundbreaking professional wrestling game. As we all know, there are few things in this world more manly than professional wrestling. The single player game also scores points for being challenging in an old school way as it forces you to play through the game multiple times to get a chance to fight the final boss "Great Puma". The games simple grappling system has some hidden depth to it, which makes the two-player game particularly maddening and competitive. In the end, Pro Wrestling is a game that is greater and more manly than the sum of its parts. If you haven't played this game before, make sure to check it out. And remember, only a real man can land Fighter Hayabusa's "Back Brain Kick".

-Shatner

#9: Counter Strike / Counter Strike Source
System: PC
Developer: Valve
Year of Release: 2000

Counter Strike is a free modification of the PC classic Half-Life. It is an online multiplayer terrorist/counter-terrorist military action game, and one of the most competitive and manly games ever released. The game strikes the perfect balance between strategy and twitch action, while offering players objective based missions against other human beings.

Each level has a goal in Counter-Strike. In some levels the terrorist team must plant a bomb, and in others it is up to the counter-terrorists to rescue some hostages. Of course any fan of Arthur's Hall should only play as a counter-terrorist, and should type offensively ethnocentric messages constantly to your opponents as you make martyrs of them. "Terrorize this!"

-Shatner

#8: Double Dragon
System: Multi System (NES, Arcade, Sega Master System)/
Developer: Technos Japan Corporation
Year of Release: 1987

While Bad Dudes might have the sweetest plot of any 8-bit beat-em-up ("Ninjas have kidnapped the President, are you bad enough?") Double Dragon's opening scene of some thugs punching your girlfriend in the stomach and carrying her off is pretty damn sweet as well, not to mention concise and to-the-point. Where Bad Dudes really loses out to Double Dragon is in originality and its general crappiness. What makes Double Dragon manly? Well, we have Double Dragon to thank for bringing baseball bat street violence into our homes! Double Dragon is the definitive beat-em-up video game of the 1980s. To this day, Double Dragon stands up very well to later releases in the genre such as Streets of Rage, and Final Fight. Double Dragon is the manliest game of a very manly genre.

Versions: As manly as it is to beat street thugs up with baseball bats and trash cans, the various versions of the game are very different and the player should be aware of the differences. The arcade is of course the original, a real quarter eater. it's really hard to keep those punks from getting a few punches in and draining your health slowly but surely. The Sega Master System version of the game has some impressive graphics that closely approximate the arcade, but suffers from the same unfair difficulty issues. The NES version is my game of choice even though it removes the two-player option. It features the "heart system" where you can learn sweet moves by advancing farther in the game. You can learn to do a spinning elbow smash, and most importantly you can jump on your opponents and pound their faces into the ground when they are down. Whatever version you choose to play, Double Dragon is a historically important and manly brawler.

-Shatner

#7: Street Figher II
System: Multi System (Arcade, SNES, Genesis)
Developer: Capcom
Year of Release: 1991

There is perhaps no other game in history that has inspired more manly one-on-one competition than Capcom's Street Fighter 2. Although games like Yie Ar Kung-Fu, Karate Champ, and Street Fighter I were the first, it was Street Figher II that opened up the floodgates and inspired the one-on-one fighting genre that has given us violent and manly games like Mortal Kombat, Virtua Fighter, and Soul Calibur. Street Fighter 2's genius came from its use of special moves that were challenging to pull off, but deadly when used strategically. The game's balance and strategic depth meant there was almost always a line at the local arcades of zitty teenagers waiting to challenge each other and become men.

Another manly aspect of Street Fighter II were the game's characters. Like the old Van Dam movie "Blood Sport", each character in Street Fighter II had a unique and gimmicky national background and fighting style. As a public service, I will now provide you with a list of the original "World Warriors" from Street Figher 2 in order of ascending manliness.

Chun-Li - China
Manliness: 2.3
Although Chun-Li is female, thus lacking manliness, she is still pretty pissed off.

E. Honda - Japan
Manliness Quotient: 4.0
A big fat Sumo wrestler... not very manly. Still, his thousand-hand-slap will give you nightmares.

Ryu - Japan
Manliness Quotient: 6.8
Ryu is your standard marial arts expert who wears a sweet white gi and can kick some serious ass. Nothing too special, but still manly.

Ken - United States
Manliness Quotient: 7.5
Essentially the same character as Ryu, Ken wears a red gi and sports the same move set. But Ken is from America, and thus more manly. His uppercut is dominant.

Dhalsim - India
Manliness Quotient: 8.8
Although I was not sure if anyone who called himself a "Yoga Master" could be truly manly, Dalsim's ability to dislocate nearly all of his joints and club you with his arms and legs has caused me to rethink my initial position on this issue.

Blanka - Brazil
Manliness Quotient: 9.2
Although not technically a man, Blanka is a green chest-thumping monster from the Amazon that rips people to pieces with his bare hands and can charge his body with near fatal levels of electricity. Awesome!

Sagat - Thailand
Manliness Quotient: 10.0
Although Sagat is technically a boss character, this 7-foot-tall Thai Boxer pummels you with his knees and fists. After you are dead he puts one of his huge ape hands over his chest and laughs at you. Sagat is the greatest!

Zangief - Russia former Soviet Union
Manliness Quotient: 11.0
Four words: Big Russian steroid freak! This guy is huge, hairy, and has gigantic "scars" all over his body from "wrestling bears". Yeah right, we all know they are really stretch marks from massive steroid abuse. Fact: Zangief is the only character in the game with a fucking pile-driver!

Guile - United States
Manliness Quotient: 11.0
Guile (the viking of the group) is a martial arts expert from the United States Air Force. He has ridiculously huge blonde hair, and he destroys his enemies with spinning backhand strikes and a devastating back-flip kick that will neutralize any offensive move in the game. Guile is a one-man army and deserves his own game. America... Fuck Yeah!

-Shatner

#6: Ikaruga
System: Multi System (Arcade, Dreamcast, Gamecube)
Developer: Treasure
Year of Release: 2000, 2002, 2003

There is something really primeval and manly about those old-school space shooters. I'm talking about great games like R-Type, Gradius, and Sidearms. They were simple, impossibly difficult, and quite demanding when it came to old-fashioned pattern memorization. a very manly trait indeed.

Ikaruga is quite likely the greatest space shooter ever designed. It is impossibly hard, dense, and one of the greatest and most meticulously designed video games ever created. Ikaruga takes the ideas of decades of vertical and horizontally scrolling space shooters, improves on them, and then turns them on their head.

The idea that one must avoid all enemy fire is thrown out with window with Ikaruga's black and white polarity mechanic. Every enemy in the game is either black or white, and fires black bullets or white bullets. Your ship can switch between back and white with the press of a button. If the player is white, getting hit by white bullets will charge up your super weapon, but black bullets will kill you. The inverse is true if the player is black. If you are the opposite polarity of an enemy, then your guns will inflict double damage but he will run a higher risk of dying. Got it? Probably not... just play the game, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Since scoring is based on Ikaruga's combo system and the amount of time it takes to beat the bosses, the player is constantly challenged to take risks by confronting enemies with the opposite polarity. The combo system is simple: kill enemies in groups of threes, and your scores will multiply. Ikaruga is so meticulously designed that it is possible to complete the entire game without breaking your chain. The chaining gameplay goes a long way towards keeping this game fresh. As a player is still struggling with beating the level three boss, he is likely still working on his chaining technique on levels one and two. This level of game design is essential for shooters as hard as Ikaruga, because players will need to spend hours perfecting their technique in order to beat the game, and the early levels need to stay fresh and challenging.

So, you might be asking... "what makes Ikaruga so manly?" Pure game design perfection and challenge! That's it. Ikaruga need to be played to be believed.

-Shatner

#5: Tecmo Bowl
System: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developer: Tecmo (Duh!)
Year of Release: 1988

There were twelve teams on Tecmo Bowl and there were three teams that were particularly dominant. One of them was the Los Angeles team (they could not be called the Raiders because they did not secure the rights from the NFL), and their star was Bo Jackson, the freakishly athletic running back. When you ran with him, defenders bounced off of him like bowling pins and he was faster than anyoneone the game. The Chicago team was also incredible. Led by #34 (Walter Payton) and #50 (Mike Singletary), this team had a great offense and defense. The New York team was perhaps the best, solely because of one player. Number 56 (Lawrence Taylor, Hall of Famer, and notable coke addict) was able to sack the helpless quarterback at will. It was not uncommon to shut out opponents using him on every play.

The real reason Tecmo Bowl is one of the ten manliest games ever is that it was the predecessor to Super Tecmo Bowl (the best Nintendo game ever, hands down). Super Tecmo was similar to the original but it had a battery pack that enabled it to keep statistics, which for stat geeks like me was the greatest thing in the history of the world. I can remember being a 12 year old, playing that game all night with my brother and having a notebook where we kept all of our records for season statistics. It was awesome. It also led the way to the greatest games in history, the Madden series. I am a sports video game player, unlike my bitch Shatner, who likes RPG's and adventure games. What a fag! I know that Tecmo Bowl helped form my adolescence where I was more concerned with who threw for more touchdowns than what girl "liked" me. Its contribution to my life is something I will never forget. Tecmo Bowl, the original NFL football game, God Bless video game football!

-Arthur

Holy shit dude, I don't play RPG's. I'll admit to liking action and adventure games, but the only RPG I've ever even played is Fire Emblem (which is pretty damn manly by the way) and it's more of a military strategy game anyway. How dare you call me a RPG fan! ... so offended!

-Shatner

#4: Metal Slug
System: NEO GEO
Developer: Nazca
Year of Release: 1996

Metal Slug was released in 1996 for SNK's (overpowered and manly) Neo Geo game system and arcade units. The game borrowed heavily from late 80's and early 1990's traditional side-scrolling shooters like Contra and Gunstar Heroes, but it succeeded (like many Neo Geo games did) at taking the violence and visuals to insane new levels. Although the game has a cartoonish art style, it featured the greatest explosions and death animations the video game industry had ever seen. Enemy soldiers would run in fear as you atomized their comrades with machine guns, shotguns, hand grenades, missile launchers, and even tanks which the player could control. Inflicting unfeeling carnage to hoards of Nazi-wannabes was rarely as fun, and it had never before looked as good as in Metal Slug.

While visuals alone earn Metal Slug most of it's manly street cred, it is also a well designed, and deeply challenging game.  Like most old-school action games, it demands quick reflexes, and extreme pattern memorization.  Pattern memorization. certainly one of the most essential traits of any game that hopes to be manly.

While Metal Slug would see a number of sequels that would slightly improve the graphics, the series drifted away from it's original focus on manly violence and relied too much on stupid fantasy elements like zombies and aliens. The original Metal Slug game remained the classic, the best of the series, and one of the manliest games ever made.  Do yourself and the world a favor and play Metal Slug. 

-Shatner

#3: Custer's Revenge
System: Atari 2600
Developer: Mystique
Year of Release: 1982

Had Custer's Revenge come out in the robot-heavy early 1990's it probably would have been called "Rape Simulator 2000". That's right, this is the only game in the history of the interactive entertainment (to my knowledge) where the goal is to rape a helpless woman! While we don't condone rape here at Arthur's Hall, it suddenly becomes pretty damn harmless (not to mention hilarious) once you put it in the context of a Atari 2600 video game that was released over 20 years ago.

The gameplay is simple. you are a naked and horny General Custer with a big fat 4-bit boner. On the far right of the screen is a naked Indian maiden tied to a stake. The goal is to have sex with her as much as possible without getting hit by the arrows falling from the sky. The action button is the "rape button" and can be pressed once you work your way over to the maiden to ravage her. If you rape her for two long, you will no doubt be hit by the falling arrows. It's best to move away and wait for an opening to rape her some more. You are awarded points for every thrust of course.

Yes, this is sick and depraved, and whoever programmed this game should probably be sent to prison. Still, who else would have had the balls to make a game like this? The whole concept is just insane. Custer's Revenge just might be the most politically incorrect thing I've ever witnessed, and that makes it manly as hell.

-Shatner

#2: Mike Tyson's Punch Out
System: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developer: Nintendo
Year of Release: 1987

Mike Tyson's Punch Out simply has it all: challenge, depth, pattern memorization, delightful racial stereotypes, and an insane convicted rapist as your final opponent. They just don't make them like this anymore. Wait, does Kobe Bryant still have a game?

While some games might have landed on this list for some sort of novelty value (Custer's Revenge), Mike Tyson's Punch out makes it for all the good old-fashioned reasons that still make it fun to play. It's one of those rare games that almost everyone enjoys on some level, but few have finished. At times the last few fights seem impossible, but I've seen Arthur knock Mike Tyson to the canvas, so I know it can be done. The game is hard. I'm not sure if it's as hard as Ninja Gaiden or Ikaruga, but you will go through a few controllers before you knock the big rapist down for the count.

I think that the best thing about Punch Out, aside from the great gameplay, is the roster of characters. There are characters from all over the world, with all sorts of wacky gimmicks. There are great weakling characters like Glass Joe and Don Flamenco, who only exist to see just how fast you can destroy them. There is the fatty King Hippo, and my personal favorite Soda Popinski. the Russian who is constantly drinking "soda". Yeah sure, I'd be willing to bet my left nut that he's named Vodka Drunkinski in the Japanese and Euro versions of the game. Along with the weakling and gimmick characters, there are also those characters who exist just to ruin your fucking day. Their names are Mr. Sandman, Super Macho Man, and Mike Tyson. I doubt anyone has beaten any of them on their first attempt. As crazy as it may seem at times, all these characters are beatable, and they all have a few simple tricks that will make them much easier. So be patient and pay close attention, and you might have a chance.

Damn, writing this article is making me want crack open a nice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon and play this great, challenging game. Mike Tyson's Punch Out is so great, so manly, and so damn challenging. Every fan of Arhur's Hall should take a shot at the big rapist.

Note: This game was later repackaged as Punch Out, and Mike Tyson was replaced with a new boxer called Mr. Dream. While it really is the same game sans the maniac rapist, we at Arthur's Hall can only recommend that everyone play the original. The SNES sequel Super Punch Out is a quality title, but is also sadly missing any rapists to fight.

-Shatner

#1: Contra
System: Nintendo Entertainment System
Developer: Konami
Year of Release: 1988

This 1987 Konami classic is with out a doubt the greatest run-and-gun shooter of all time. While there are a few different versions of this game (it was also released in the arcades and on the MSX home computer) it is the NES version that is best remembered by far.

It seems that the creators of the game were trying to combine the greatest elements of the movies Aliens and Predator, and they succeeded big-time! In Contra, it is your job as one of two shirtless military commandos to mercilessly blast your way though the hoards of the vile alien war-monger called Red Falcon and save universe. I still can't figure out why an alien warlord would name himself after a animal found only on earth. Seems like he could have named himself Kang, Kodos, or Xenu. but who am I to question those geniuses at Konami?

Contra is hard as nails and features some of the most inspired level designs in the history of video games. But for you latte drinking sissies out there, the programmers included a 30-lives cheat code which has probably become the most famous video game code of all time. I've even see t-shirts that say "up up down down left right left right start". Needless to say, I am a Viking Contra Warrior, and have beaten the game with more lives than I started out with. I only use the 30 lives code when I'm trying to pull my friend's dead weight through the game. Each stage in Contra requires you to gun down dozens of enemy soldiers, escape environmental hazards, and most likely ends with a very memorable boss battle.

Like most old-school Konami games, there is depth to be found in the Contra's weapon system. Most people prefer the "Spread" gun, which does cover the most area. But the manliest gun in Contra is – and I will defend this to my death - the laser gun. It's hard to use and doesn't offer as much protection as the spread gun, but it is by far the most powerful weapon. If used properly, the flying saucer boss at the end of the snow level takes all of three seconds to beat with this manly weapon. Still, to use the laser gun properly, you must memorize the levels, and be very good at dodging enemy fire, and those pesky spider things the final boss sends after you. The only other weapon really worth mentioning is the "Fire" gun. It is slow, but it does cover more area than a standard machine gun, and it seems to be more powerful than spread. assuming you can hit your target.

The two player co-op in Contra is brilliant as well. While a two-player strategy can make the game much easier, there are many areas that will challenge your teamwork abilities. Players will fight over weapons (most often the "Spread" gun), steal each other's lives, and kill each other by climbing the waterfall level too quickly. I don't even want to get started talking about the evil things players can do to each other on the energy level. To say that this game fosters some healthy masculine competition would be an understatement.

It's the combination of game design perfection, historical import, extreme manly violence, and sweaty muscles that makes Contra the manliest game ever made. I also see no reason for Contra to ever been unseated from its throne of manly perfection. Modern manly games like God of War are only pretenders. Contra will reign forever!

-shat@arthurshall.com

Afterwards
It looks like Arthur's Hall has inspired imitators... of sorts. In response to this article, the website www.aeropause.com has posted a list entitled "The 10 Girliest Video Games EVAR!". No, I'm not mocking Aeropause.com, we're actually flattered (in a steroid abusing, manly way), and thought their list was pretty darned funny.