UNHOLY ALLIANCE CONCERT REVIEW
Featuring: Slayer, Mastodon, Children of Bodom, and Lamb of Shit

This is my review of the Unholy Alliance Tour stop in Seattle, WA. I will try to duplicate the atmosphere and talk a bit about the musical part of the concert, and throw in some amusing anecdotes from the concert. Myself, Shatner, and a couple of friends of ours got together before the show and threw back some drinks on a cruise ship. a nice pre-concert party if you ask me. I am sure you want to know what I was drinking because you all aspire to my Viking greatness. I pounded six double Vodka Crans in the hour and half before the show, just enough to get a bit of a buzz. I did not want to get wasted because I enjoy concerts and I had never seen Slayer live, so I wanted to remember the night. After our drinks we walked up from the boat to the Event Center and got in line.

As anybody who has been to a metal concert can attest, the line to get in can be a great place to do some people watching. There were a few different groups that attended this concert. The first group was the proto-pubescent guys who look 15 but are probably 25. These guys are easy to spot, they are all extremely skinny and their sparse facial hair growth (usually in the form of a five hair straggly goatee or a molestache) is a tell tale sign of low testosterone. Their bodies never matured because they smoked so much damn weed in their early teens. pot depresses testosterone production (thus pot is a bitch drug).

The second most prevalent group were the ever-present crankers. That's right there were tons of meth-heads many of whom were wearing Pantera and Black Label Society t-shirts. I have to think that the noxious combination of Sudafed, battery acid, and Drano changes the crankers' brain chemistry just enough to enjoy these bands. Or maybe it's because those bands are all crankers too? Hmm. I guess we will never know. Like I was saying, there were tons of meth-heads there and that is one of the reasons I like going to metal concerts, nothing makes me more happy than drilling a cranker in the mosh pit. Watching them skid across the ground after I shoulder check them brings a smile to my face.

The third and most dangerous group was the older Slayer fans. I guess I would be one of these but unlike most of them, I have not been in the "pen". These guys stick out. They are all over 25 (most are over 30), they have shaved heads, a ton of tattoos, and a nasty disposition. They are not to be messed with. I noticed a decent number of skinheads at the concert, and I guess that is not a huge surprise but I know better than to smash those guys... they are just plain nuts.

Ok, back to the concert. When I arrived in Seattle I noticed that Shatner was wearing a Phil Collins tour shirt. Unbelievable!! Shatner has an ironic sense of humor and this absurd shirt was a perfect example of that. I knew that he was just being funny, but that did not stop me from calling him out in the concert line. I yelled "Who is that faggot in the Phil Collins shirt"... and he took all sorts of abuse for the next few minutes. That is what he gets as far as I am concerned. So we get through the line and we get inside the Event Center. I had never been in the Qwest Field Event Center but it was a good place for a concert. It was all general admission so it was just a big open building...perfect for this concert. The beer garden was plenty big and overall the venue was just fine. We showed up about fifteen minutes late and the opening act, Thine Eyes Bleed, was on.

Thine Eyes Bleed
I did not get to see their whole set but I got the feeling after watching two songs that I did not miss much. They were most certainly pissed off and aggressive. Their music was loud, fast and simple, nothing wrong with that. The two or three songs that I heard were all very similar and nothing they did would make me like or dislike them. I would have to hear more to know what I really thought of them. I guess they accomplished exactly what a opening act is there to do; build awareness and not suck. At least now I know who they are...and my eyes and ears will open just a bit more when I see or hear them again. They finished up and we went to beer garden to grab some more refreshments.

I do not drink at concerts...I get entirely too dehydrated if I do. What I do in spades is chew tobacco. All my readers know that one of the best things about chewing is the spitting. Spitting everywhere is one of the manliest things in the world. The only thing manlier than spitting on objects is spitting on people. I would estimate that I spit chew spit on 100 people at the concert. Hell, I chewed a can and half of chew at the concert alone. Shatner even had a Kodiak with me and started spinning immediately!! I was not spitting in people's faces but I what I was doing is spitting on anyone who was in front of me unless they were cool. We did our fair share of making the cement floor nice and slippery also...manly indeed. In the intermission, the four of us set a meeting place where we all meet up after every act...in the pit it is easy to get separated. Shatner and his friend then went into the crowd for Children of Bodom while my friend and I recharged with some water and some more chew.

Children of Bodom
Wow!! These guys were the biggest revelation of the night. They came on stage and said, "We are Children of Bodom and we are from fucking Finland!" Well, they scored points with me immediately, anyone from Scandinavia gets a big thumbs up from me. I was standing in the back of the arena when these guys started. I was not familiar with COB at all before the concert so I was not anticipating anything special. I could not have been more wrong. The first thing I noticed was the keyboardist.... that's right a KEYBOARDIST! Normally this is not a good thing but in some isolated cases a keyboard can add a positive element in hard rock music. The dude may have looked a bit gay playing it, but it was great nonetheless.

Their music was outstanding. and they sounded great. The true Viking of the group is the lead singer. He is also plays lead guitar, and this dude solos constantly. Solos are definitely metal and this guy plays some crazy solos and then yells and screams... awesome! It is pretty rare that the singer is also the lead guitar, a talented dude for sure. I don't know enough about these guys to do a more thorough review. I was just trying to listen to the music and see who was making all that crazy noise.

COB is my type of band. They are a bit progressive (as evidenced by the keyboard) and they play a complicated brand of metal. If you are like music that just pummels you into submission these guys are not for you. If you like music that is full of tempo changes, strange sound combinations and insane guitar solos, COB is your band. I do like some progressive bands (Rush, Dream Theater, Queensryche) so these guys were right up my alley. After seeing this show I will be buying some of their music and adding them to my scant music rotation. I was impressed.

At the next intermission the four of us got together again, and Shatner had a great idea. He said "Dude, you should go grab some dude's chick and put her over your shoulder and walk away". I told him "No way man!" But he begged me to do it, so I did. I saw a girl standing next to some dude and I just walked straight over to them and bent down put the girl in a fireman's carry right over my shoulder and walked off to the poor sap's amazement. They were both a bit surprised and I walked away about five steps before I put her down. They thought it was funny as hell (the guy probably didn't but he was not going to say anything to a 290 lb bald dude with a Slayer shirt on). It was a great manly moment... Is anything more manly than just walking up to a dude and carrying his woman away? I don't think so. After that I headed for the stage. it was time for MASTODON!

Mastodon
This was the third time I had seen Mastodon and I was not disappointed. Actually I did not see much of this concert. I was very close to the stage and at this point the floor had gotten a bit on the crazy side. I spent the entire concert smashing crankers who dared to slither over my edge of the pit. I always hold the edge of the pit, that is my role in a metal concert. Inevitably I get a few clowns who try to push me in at which point I take one step forward, turn around, laugh and throw them in. I was undoubtedly the strongest person there and as a result I get a lot of smaller people around me so that they do not get smashed. This always makes me popular in the pit....I protect women and smaller dudes, if they get cheap-shotted I make the idiot pay. I also always pick up dudes who fall and I get pissed off when some idiot is in the pit to hurt people...those are the guys I target. I set my sights on guys like that and when they get anywhere near me I will step in just enough to throw them directly on their asses. If I cannot get my hands on them to throw them down I will violently hockey check them and sometimes they fall and get trampled. The best part of all of it is when they realize that you are bigger stronger man and they come over and shake your hand. All in good fun! I am always surprised that fights don't break out but I have never seen one in a pit. I guess we all know that we share the commonality of being metal heads in this urban music infested world so we stick together. Back to Mastodon...

As always they were loud and pissed. They played the songs that they typically play and they played them well. They have sounded the same all three times I have seen them, I just wish they would get a higher billing so that they could play longer. This is the second time I have seen them in a festival type setting and they are always before a band who is just horrible and that was never more true than on this night. Next up was Lamb of God......

Lamb of God
Prior to the concert I had only a slight familiarity with LOG. I knew that they were somewhat popular from seeing all the Lamb of God shirts and the fact that they played after Mastodon. I was not in the pit for these guys, I was exhausted after being in the pit for the entire Mastodon set. I was curious about these guys so I was willing to pay attention. At the beginning of their set, some clown came out and started talking shit about Seattle. Talking shit like that is usually cool but this guy was just plain stupid about it..it seemed that he only knew the word "fuck". Quote "Hey mother fuckers, we are fucking Lamb of God, and you fucking Starfuck drinking fuckers"............ blah, blah, blah.... are you kidding me? It was like a no-name WWF heel had taken the stage. He proceeded to tell us that "Lamb of Shit" was next. Wow, what a perfect name for these guys...they will now be known as Lamb of Shit here on Arthur's Hall. They were horrible.

I really could not believe how terrible these guys were. Their lead singer has to be the most annoying human being on the planet. His voice might as well be a combination of dog whistle and fingernails on a chalkboard. Within five minutes of these guys taking the stage I was annoyed. Very nu metal....these guys probably worship Korn, Slipknot and Marilyn Manson. Pussy ass faggots. Avoid these guys at all costs. I should have known these guys sucked based on the fact that the all the proto-pubescent kids were wearing of Lamb of Shit shirts. What a joke.

SLAYER
Finally, I got to see Slayer live. I have been a Slayer fan for the better part of ten years and I had never had the opportunity to see them live so I was pretty damn excited. I made sure that I stood close enough to see everything but no so close as to be in the craziest part of the floor. I wanted to see Slayer so I did not want to be in the middle of pit for the entire set. The first thing I noticed during the stage set up was the extra speakers that we being hooked up...six big stack speakers right on the stage. I knew it was going to be incredibly loud considering the entire concert was loud as hell. Right before they came on they dropped the shades that we obscuring two huge upside down crosses built from Marshall stacks. I knew right then that this would be the loudest concert I had ever been to. Of course, the imagery of two upside crosses is horrible but I know going in that Slayer is about as anti-Christian as humanly possible. As a Christian, I guess it should bother me but I really don't care what they think...ultimately they are the ones who have the most to lose if they are wrong.

Slayer hits the stage and the first thing I notice is that Tom Araya (the lead singer, you should know that!) is completely stoned. Just baked out of his mind. He just has the stupid ass smile on his face and starts laughing in stereotypical stoner fashion. He is a laid back guy unlike his boy, guitarist Kerry King. King is a madman, end of story. The manliness of Kerry King is well documented here on Arthur's Hall (In the Top 10 Manliest Men and in the Facial Hair is Manly article). He is, without question, the driving force behind the band and it is he that is so virulently anti-Christian. I may not agree with him but it is damn manly. Behind the skins was the great Dave Lombardo. He was insane at this show, he is a truly incredible musician.

I did not keep track of which songs they played and generally it was irrelevant. They played the classics; Raining Blood, Angel of Death, Chemical Warfare, War Ensemble, Seasons in the Abyss, etc...they only played one new song which I was happy about. I hate when a legendary band plays a couple old songs and then plays nothing but new stuff as if the people had really came to see that. During Mandatory Suicide (one of Slayer's greatest songs ever) they played a video of an terrorist with a RPG being shot dead....it was awesome. The best played is that they played it over and over again, enough to actually grasp that we were watching someone die.

During Angel of Death they had pictures of Dr. Mengele, the Nazi doctor or "infamous butcher" in their words. Of course, there was the prerequisite skulls and ample blood on the video screen...what did you expect? Flowers and blue skies...no. Tom did not sound bad at all but my ears were so destroyed that I could not make out his lyrics...it was SO LOUD! King and Hanneman were shredding in fine fashion and Lombardo was making my insides hurt with his lighting fast drumming. I was not disappointed at all in seeing Slayer for the first time, it was exactly what I expected. They did not even do an encore...which is cool because they don't give a shit about the conventional concert format...more manliness from the manliest band ever. If you have not seen Slayer live it is must see for sure.

-arthur@arthurshall.com