THE BEER PARADOX
Join Arthur's Hall, and TAKE BACK THE BEER!

The "American-style" lager has been associated with the manly blue-collar worker for decades. It is by now conventional wisdom that a light crisp Budweiser or Miller beer is the beer of choice for men who enjoy manly hobbies such as rebuilding his 1970's Camaro, watching Sports Center , or shooting birds with his 12-Gauge. As modern manly men have shifted their drinking habits towards lighter lager beers, the more traditional style ales (home-brews, craft-brews, and micro-brews) have increasingly become the territory of big-city, snobby, LL Bean-wearing, Volvo-driving, Gen X intellectual types, with leather patches on their elbows and eyeliner on the brain.

While I have nothing against inexpensive mass-produced lagers or craft-brewed ales (I think there is a time and place for all types of beer), I do think that these modern trends have presented us with a truly tragic situation when it comes to the state of beer drinking in America. Our priorities are essentially switched. More traditional manlier beers are being enjoyed by sissies, while our real men guzzle tasteless and barely alcoholic American lagers. From here forward and for purposes of this discussion, I will dub this cultural phenomenon, " The Beer Paradox ."

What exactly is The Beer Paradox ? Simply put, as the American middle class shifted their drinking tastes away from traditional ales, they left behind the proud brewing traditions of our forefathers to be picked up by urban metro-sexual types. What Americans now see as the everyman's beer...(Coors, Bud, MGD etc.) is actually less manly than the urban metro-sexual's favorite craft brew. This is the Beer Paradox . In a world where the strong can take whatever they want with force, how did this ever happen? How did the big-city sissy ever come to claim the manly brews of our forefathers? I'll tell you how... We let it happen !

While I don't intend to deminish the manliness of those who currently drink a Bud now and then (okay... maybe just a little), to call "The King of Beers" a truly manly beer is a bit of a stretch. To test this hypothesis, pour a Bud into a nice tall glass and hand it to the woman in your life. She'll probably drink half of it and thank you for your thoughtfulness. This is horrible! Any beer that your average woman finds even the least bit palatable is not fit for manly consumption. Now go pour her a nice tall Imperial India Pale Ale with 8% alcohol content and watch her turn up her nose in disgust as soon as this bitter hoppy beverage touches her lips. This is man beer!

A very common defense of tasteless lager beers is that they are inexpensive, and thus can be consumed in massive quantities and at very little expense. This is of course true, and if sheer volume of consumption is your goal, then you simply can't beat Coors Light. But if your drinking goals are to enjoy a nice cold brew and get that perfect buzz while watching pro football, you might have the wrong beverage in your hand. You see, American lager style beers have notoriously low alcohol content - the Canadians know it, the Germans know it, even the Japanese know it (and don't get me started about the Aussies!). Sure, micro-brews are more expensive, but are often brewed with a much, much higher alcohol content. Label reading is a must-have skill for the wise beer purchaser!

I have enlisted the help of Arthur to examine this alcohol content vs. price disparity. For my example I will use Bud Light which costs $4.99 a six-pack and contains 4.2% alcohol, and Pyramid Snow Cap (a fine winter brew from the Northwest) which will run you $6.99 and has a whopping 7.0% alcohol content. I chose Pyramid Snow Cap as an example, not because it is the manliest beer ever, but because it is widely available in the winter, with the requisite high alcohol content, and it's quite tasty. For even manlier and more alcoholic beers I suggest you check out a local craft brewery. I'm no expert when it comes to statistics, so I'll allow Arthur to break down the numbers. He has a finance degree for a reason, you know.

There you have it! Arthur has proven that when it comes to pure alcohol-impact, and OAPD, the more flavorful micro brew is the clear winner over the cheaper light beer. Not only is it more flavorful and manlier, but in this case the Pyramid Snow Cap is clearly the better alcohol value .

Now that I have attacked lighter beers on the basis of their appeal to women and cost-to-alcohol ratios, I need to make my case that traditional ales are as manly as I claim. This will be the easy part. First of all, American lagers are brewed in a highly complex manner that requires refrigeration. the modern lager is a product of our industrial age. Ale on the other hand has a long proud history, and harkens back to a time when men were men, and didn't need refrigerators. The ancient Egyptians were the first to brew ales, but the craft truly advanced in the 14th and 15th centuries when monks in monasteries all over Western Europe started brewing and refining their products for community consumption. In the 1400's the first hopped ale was introduced to England, and the complex bitter drink we love today was born.

That's right men. our Viking ancestors didn't drink a Corona with a lime before splitting heads. The Admirals of the Royal Navy didn't down a Sparks before letting the Frogs have it either. Hell no. they guzzled rank, bitter ales before they split skulls, spilled the blood of their enemies, and built the world of today. Tradition is manly as all get-out , and we should be proud of our Western heritage when we drink.

I have often wondered why the American beer palate is so sissified. I've wondered how we ever reached the point of our Beer Paradox. Strangely enough, I found the answer in my research for this very article. You see. prior to the 1920's and Prohibition, most American breweries made European style beers. But once Prohibition was declared and most of the breweries went out of business, bootleggers watered down their beer to increase volumes and profits. That's right - your tasteless beer is a direct result of one of the stupidest, short-sighted and downright cruel laws in American history. Americans got accustomed to watered down, tasteless beer just as the South became accustomed to sweet tea during tea shortages, and it seems they have never looked back. This may be the core reason for the Beer Paradox , but it's no excuse. And now that the root cause of the Beer Paradox has been revealed, it is high time that we, as men, turn back the clock.

What is the solution to this Beer Paradox ? It's simple - we men need to forcefully reclaim the manly beer of our forefathers! This week, when you go to your local bar that pours fine manly beer, punch the first metro-sexual you see with highlights in his hair and step on his face. After you are done spitting your fat wad of chewing tobacco on his Armani leather jacket, walk up to the bar and order a pitcher of the cloudiest, bitterest, and most alcoholic brew being served. Sit down with your boys, and talk loudly about how great Ronald Reagan was, or about how great it is when we carpet-bomb third world countries. Eventually the sissies will clear out, and you will be the beer swilling alpha male you've always wanted to be... someone worthy of your great lineage.

We, as men, simply cannot allow the weak to co-opt the proud drinks that our manly forefathers enjoyed as they fought for, and built the great civilization we have today. This is a call to action. Don't let us down men... take back the beer!

— shat@arthurshall.com